This week, I have been writing about medicating my adopted child for Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and the emotions that this process has evoked in me. One emotion I am facing is guilt.

Hub and I had a blow up this week over the medication issue. In the course of this argument, hub pointed out how I always said that I would not feel complete without a child. The reason we even adopted in the first place was because I would not rest until we had a child. All of this is true, and that fuels my guilt whenever I have regrets about the way our adoption turned out.

Let me clarify that I do not regret adopting our son. I love him with all of my heart, and he is worth all of the struggles we have with his ADHD and asthma. If I could do it all again, I would still adopt him, and I have never even once considered disrupting our adoption.

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I feel guilty that I was yelling at my son after only a few minutes of trying to get him to swallow his pills (after he spit milk all over me and the furniture) while his teacher was able to gain his cooperation in trying to swallow tic tacs for practice. While her efforts were no more successful than mine in getting him to succeed in swallowing a tic tac, the two of them were laughing and having a good time together while my son and I had a much different interaction.

I feel guilty about wanting a break from all of this. I long for a weekend alone where I can actually sleep in past 7:00 a.m. and rest without having to peel my out-of-control child off the walls. Yes, I cried and prayed for this child for 4-1/2 years, so it makes me feel guilty for longing for a little time away from him where I can nurture myself.

And then I feel guilty when I see how forgiving and loving my son is. I apologized for losing my temper over the pills, and he held no grudges at all. He loves me so much with his very big heart, and it makes me feel unworthy of being his mother at all.

I know I need to forgive myself for being human and having flaws. I cannot meet the standard of perfection. Instead of focusing on my shortcomings, I need to focus on the things that I am doing right. I have a kid who everyone loves. He is sweet and funny with a kind heart. He is forgiving. He is comfortable with his adoption and loves me to pieces. So, I guess I am doing something right.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt