Well, I'm going to jump in here and go ahead and tackle the hot button topic among adoptive parents. "The Real Parent" is a phrase that seems to take on a life of its own in the minds of many adoptive parents, their children and extended family members.

I guess the issue has been around since adoption has been around. But, sometimes I think it is an issue that is simply a by-product of well meaning experts. One that parents have taken on as their own.

About a month ago, I sat in a staffing meeting in a consulting role at a child welfare agency involving an adoptive family. Before the family arrived information was disseminated and shared about the case orally and in writing. The child was adopted as an preschooler, and was now a teenager and experiencing some significant behavioral and learning problems that were placing the family at risk for abuse and neglect. Discussion was underway about how to offer support services to the preserve the family and prevent out of home placement.

At one point a social worker brought the process to a screeching halt when she interjected with intense emotion and passion, "Can we, please, stop referring to this woman as the adoptive mother. She is, his mother! Period. He is, her child. We should know better. It is very offensive to continue referring to them as adoptive."

Some mumbling occurred. Some apologies were made. Although, I didn't agree that the term was offensive, I was merely a visiting consultant, and as is my bias, believing that the members of the agency were the experts on their policies, I followed the lead of the organizational culture. A consensus was reached to refer to the parents and the child as such. End of discussion.

Shortly thereafter, the entire family arrived and the meeting began. The lead facilitator asked the mother and father what their concerns were. To which, the mother answered with loving kindness in her voice, "Well, I know that he wants to have a relationship with his real mother(emphasis are mine). And I want that for him. It think it is important for him to know his real mother. I'm just not sure how to help him with that."

Well, of course you could have heard a pin drop and there was a missed beat in the meeting. At which point, the child filled the silence with, "Yeah, I just want to know something about my real parents. I already know where my mom lives."

The meeting continued and there were some other significant issues that came to light, which were unrelated to adoption that were placing the family at serious risk.

The point of me sharing this story is that I honestly and sincerely believe that too much emotion can be invested in the words "real mother." I think that, if managed carefully, the whole real parent thing can be distilled down to its very essence; a descriptive term that reflects one valid perspective at a given moment in time. As we all know perspectives often change over time.

I wrote two postings on my parenting blog Put It On Your Therapy List before I applied to become a blogger here at Adoption Blogs. I invite readers to visit PIOYTL to read my perspective on this topic. Simply go to www.pioytl.blogspot.com and click on Not A Real Mother and The Real Mother Debut under previous posts.

Then come back here and let's talk about this some more.