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Reading about open adoption here on Adoption.com has been an eye-opener. As unbelievable as it may sound, I was unaware of the trend toward open adoption and how common place it had become. Maybe I’m overstating the phenomenon by calling it a trend or common place. Perhaps, it is just that more people discuss open adoption in this forum than in others. Still, reading about the open adoption experience of others has enlightened me.
Our daughters were adopted through a child welfare agency and theirs is a closed adoption. That is how I wanted it. Even if we had adopted privately through an attorney, I would have made the same decision. I could give all kinds of feel good and politically correct reasons to justify my choice to have a closed adoption. There are things in my daughters’ histories, which if written about would probably put the reader on my side of the matter. However, that would not be honest writing. It would not tell the whole story.
So, here goes. Honestly, I chose a closed adoption because I am selfish and self-serving and I didn’t want to share. You see, I find it much easier to be grateful to the woman who gave birth to our daughters (hers and mine) in the abstract than to share them with her on a daily basis.
I placed my own needs and my own desires as a mother over the needs of my daughters’ mother and even over those that may emerge for my daughters as they get older. Also, I was afraid. Afraid of not doing open adoption the right way, the way that would be best for me as the primary parent. I thought that if I could not assure myself of the opportunity to be the best parent I could possibly be, then our odds of having a successful adoption would drop dramatically. I didn’t want to risk that. I was too afraid.
That’s it. My reasoning is not complicated. I chose closed adoption because I thought that was what would be best for me as a parent. I do not regret that choice. I have not had a minute of drama, fear, anxiety, or relationship tension with any other soul responsible for my daughters’ love, happiness and well-being. There have been no issues to work through; no behaviors or critical incidents to explain; no disappointments from missed visits, forgotten birthdays or Christmas gifts; no broken promises.
On the other hand, I know that my decision also resulted in many missed opportunities for my daughters and their mother to build a positive and loving relationship as they all grow. I expect that my daughters will want to search for their mother once they become teenagers. I want to search for her also. I don’t believe it is going to be particularly difficult for us to find her given the circumstances of her relinquishment. At least, I hope that it won’t be. At that point, we will end up with a type of open adoption any way for the rest of our (hopefully) very long lives.
If that is how the rest of the story goes, I am betting that I will cherish, until my dying day, my too brief years of having the girls all to myself. There you have it. Selfish mothering from the cradle to the grave.
Well, at least you are honest about it!
Heather stole my line! That’s exactly what I was thinking. Better that you did not “pretend” to go along with an open adoption and then immediately close it soon after it became final. Unfortunately that happens way too often.
I guess I do not believe that the “easy” road is what is always best for children – no drama, no issues to work through etc. What seems “easy” too initially often doesn’t turn out to be in the long run.
You were very honest about fear being a motivating factor in your decision to choose a closed adoption. Not too many people will acknowledge that, but, I think it is quite common.
Unfortunately, I believe that we don’t do nearly enough to educate people about open adoption. Not enough people understand how to make open adoptions work properly. Nor do they understand how beneficial open adoptions can be for children.
Jan, Heather thanks for your comments and for not chewing me out. I’ve been holding my breath on this one. Jan I absolutely agree with you about the easy road not being what’s best for children. But, re-read my post. It is about me, me, me. What was easy…for me. I tried to be honest in writing that I chose closed adoption based on my needs and I went so far as to admit that I put those needs (my own) over the needs of my children. Bad mommy…
We did an open adoption and let me say that I am finding it much more difficult than I anticipated. The emotitions that come up for me around this are much more complex than I anticipated. I would do open again, but hopefully not live in the same town.
Michelle:
I am learning as I continue to read, write and learn here on the Adoption Blogs I have discovered that there are complex issues in all adoptions, not just the closed ones like my own. Thanks for sharing a part of your experience.