Comments on: What if Your Adopted Child Really was “Unwanted”? http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un News and information on parenting the adopted child. Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:42:25 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Faith Allen http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un/comment-page-1#comment-1648 Faith Allen Thu, 09 Aug 2007 02:32:09 +0000 http://adoptive-par.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/06/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un#comment-1648 Good point Mariah!!<br /> <br /> - Faith Good point Mariah!!

- Faith

]]> By: mariah http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un/comment-page-1#comment-1647 mariah Thu, 09 Aug 2007 01:59:57 +0000 http://adoptive-par.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/06/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un#comment-1647 Another thing to consider is maybe the translation of her comment into English leaves out the feeling behind it. She also may have felt like she HAD to give that reason, or maybe she wasn't allowed to give another reason. I have no idea how adoption is generally looked on in Russia--if attitudes are behind, ahead of, or about the same as the US. I'm just thinking that her true feelings may not be as stark as the printed words sound. When you need your words, you will surely have them when the time comes. Peace. Another thing to consider is maybe the translation of her comment into English leaves out the feeling behind it. She also may have felt like she HAD to give that reason, or maybe she wasn’t allowed to give another reason. I have no idea how adoption is generally looked on in Russia–if attitudes are behind, ahead of, or about the same as the US. I’m just thinking that her true feelings may not be as stark as the printed words sound. When you need your words, you will surely have them when the time comes. Peace.

]]> By: Faith Allen http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un/comment-page-1#comment-1646 Faith Allen Tue, 07 Aug 2007 11:30:29 +0000 http://adoptive-par.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/06/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un#comment-1646 Thanks. I am glad this was helpful to you.<br /> <br /> - Faith Thanks. I am glad this was helpful to you.

- Faith

]]> By: miriam http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un/comment-page-1#comment-1645 miriam Tue, 07 Aug 2007 02:40:23 +0000 http://adoptive-par.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/06/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un#comment-1645 This is a great post. We are watching a distantly related family implode and may be (sadly but gratefully- such a mix!) blessed in the fallout by adopting an almost two year-old. I've already wondered what to say if we get the kid when she eventually needs to know what went down. <br /> <br /> The idea that her parents didn't know how to love, or weren't able to show love clearly to her are an excellent place to start. They did not do the best they can do, at least not so far. I'm just not able to buy that Maya Angelou stuff, though I do understand it has been a long and difficult road for them, both through their choices and the choices of their own parents years ago. <br /> <br /> Anyway... This is also a really lovely way to honor the people in a tough situation, by attempting to be honest and constructive with a child & later an adult adoptee. This is a great post. We are watching a distantly related family implode and may be (sadly but gratefully- such a mix!) blessed in the fallout by adopting an almost two year-old. I’ve already wondered what to say if we get the kid when she eventually needs to know what went down.

The idea that her parents didn’t know how to love, or weren’t able to show love clearly to her are an excellent place to start. They did not do the best they can do, at least not so far. I’m just not able to buy that Maya Angelou stuff, though I do understand it has been a long and difficult road for them, both through their choices and the choices of their own parents years ago.

Anyway… This is also a really lovely way to honor the people in a tough situation, by attempting to be honest and constructive with a child & later an adult adoptee.

]]> By: Faith Allen http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un/comment-page-1#comment-1644 Faith Allen Tue, 07 Aug 2007 01:56:49 +0000 http://adoptive-par.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/06/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un#comment-1644 Thanks for your comment. I am truly sorry that you can relate to that saying, but I am glad that it can be a healing balm for you, too. So many people have told me "She did the best she could," but that never helped. I just got angry because her best was not good enough. This other saying helped me to appreciate what she did have to offer -- all that she had -- even though it was woefully inadequate.<br /> <br /> Take care,<br /> <br /> - Faith Thanks for your comment. I am truly sorry that you can relate to that saying, but I am glad that it can be a healing balm for you, too. So many people have told me “She did the best she could,” but that never helped. I just got angry because her best was not good enough. This other saying helped me to appreciate what she did have to offer — all that she had — even though it was woefully inadequate.

Take care,

- Faith

]]> By: soblessed http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un/comment-page-1#comment-1643 soblessed Tue, 07 Aug 2007 01:48:11 +0000 http://adoptive-par.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/06/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un#comment-1643 Faith:<br /> <br /> Excellent post!! And thank you so much for looking right at a very real and little-discussed aspect of adoption....the birthparents who, even given a choice to parent, would prefer not to. <br /> <br /> Loved the "didn't know how to love" answer....very concrete and so easier for a little mind to wrap itself around and it also takes the blame completely off of both birthmother and child. Very good.<br /> <br /> "Just because someone doesn’t love you with all that you need doesn’t mean she isn’t loving you with all that she has. <br /> <br /> This saying helped me to see that her inability to love me in the way that I needed was never about me. There was nothing I could have done to change the way she felt about me because the problem was her limitations, not mine. Perhaps this saying can be a healing balm to older adopted children as well. "<br /> <br /> I can totally relate to this, Faith. Totally. Thanks so much for posting it....it is so comforting :)<br /> Faith:

Excellent post!! And thank you so much for looking right at a very real and little-discussed aspect of adoption….the birthparents who, even given a choice to parent, would prefer not to.

Loved the “didn’t know how to love” answer….very concrete and so easier for a little mind to wrap itself around and it also takes the blame completely off of both birthmother and child. Very good.

“Just because someone doesn’t love you with all that you need doesn’t mean she isn’t loving you with all that she has.

This saying helped me to see that her inability to love me in the way that I needed was never about me. There was nothing I could have done to change the way she felt about me because the problem was her limitations, not mine. Perhaps this saying can be a healing balm to older adopted children as well. “

I can totally relate to this, Faith. Totally. Thanks so much for posting it….it is so comforting :)

]]> By: Faith Allen http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un/comment-page-1#comment-1642 Faith Allen Mon, 06 Aug 2007 22:51:15 +0000 http://adoptive-par.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/06/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un#comment-1642 Thanks, John!! Your kudos really mean a lot, especially since you have lived this issue. <br /> <br /> Take care,<br /> <br /> - Faith Thanks, John!! Your kudos really mean a lot, especially since you have lived this issue.

Take care,

- Faith

]]> By: John http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un/comment-page-1#comment-1641 John Mon, 06 Aug 2007 22:50:46 +0000 http://adoptive-par.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/06/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un#comment-1641 Faith, thank you for an outstanding post. I really like the two ideas, not knowing how to love, and loving you with all that she has. John Faith, thank you for an outstanding post. I really like the two ideas, not knowing how to love, and loving you with all that she has. John

]]> By: Faith Allen http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un/comment-page-1#comment-1640 Faith Allen Mon, 06 Aug 2007 19:35:28 +0000 http://adoptive-par.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/06/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un#comment-1640 ((((((( HUGS )))))))<br /> <br /> I know how hard it was for me to approach this subject with my son when he WAS wanted by his birthmother. I can only imagine your pain in facing your situation.<br /> <br /> I am going to write an answer to your questions and post it tomorrow.<br /> <br /> Take care,<br /> <br /> - Faith ((((((( HUGS )))))))

I know how hard it was for me to approach this subject with my son when he WAS wanted by his birthmother. I can only imagine your pain in facing your situation.

I am going to write an answer to your questions and post it tomorrow.

Take care,

- Faith

]]> By: OwensMama http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un/comment-page-1#comment-1639 OwensMama Mon, 06 Aug 2007 19:09:52 +0000 http://adoptive-par.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/08/06/what-if-your-adopted-child-really-was-un#comment-1639 P.S. I'm not seeking advice on how I can drop all this information on my son when he asks his first adoption question at the age of 4, but I'm really stumped and bewildered at how to handle this as he grows and wants to know more and more. Just a clarification :) P.S. I’m not seeking advice on how I can drop all this information on my son when he asks his first adoption question at the age of 4, but I’m really stumped and bewildered at how to handle this as he grows and wants to know more and more. Just a clarification :)

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