e-mail
In my post Reassuring the “Unwanted” Adopted Child, I shared that my son believed his birthmother placed him for adoption because she did not want him. This could not be farther from the truth. However, as John pointed out in the comments, there are adopted children whose birthmothers truly did not want them. How do you help an adopted child to cope with this level of rejection?
I posted about my situation on a message board for adoptive mothers. After reading my post, one of the adoptive mothers started a separate thread addressing many of the same issues that John raised. Here is John’s comment, which is representative of the kinds of comments left by several adoptive mothers on this other board:
Sometimes it is true that the Mom did not want the child. Two of my sons were told that they were the reason their moms had so many problems, and that the mom wished they hadn’t been born. Unfortunately, this was told a number of times. – John from Reassuring the “Unwanted” Adopted Child
While there are many birthmothers, like my son’s birthmother, who truly made a loving choice to place their birthchildren for adoption, the reality is that there are women who did not want their birthchildren. We do our children no favors when we lie to them about this, especially when the birthmothers have told the children outright that they were not wanted. What can we, as adoptive parents, do to minimize the damage caused by these very painful words?
John gave some good advice in his comment:
I pointed out the great number of things that had to have happened when they did and just how they did, so we could become a family. I told them that it seemed to me that there was a master plan, and no matter what, we were supposed to be together as family, and that I knew how lucky I was to have them. It seemed to help, but I wonder if kids ever get over such a negative message from their mom.
An adoptive mother from the message board had some good advice, too:
When my kids were younger, I used the following to explain things: [your birthmother] just didn’t know how to love.
I really like that way of discussing the topic with an adopted child who was not wanted by his birthmother. A big issue for any child who has felt unloved by a parent is the fear that it is the child’s fault. If the child was only [smarter, prettier, better behaved, etc.], then the parent would have loved him. I see this a lot, not only with adoptees but with children who grew up in abusive households as well. By focusing on the birthmother not knowing how to love, it takes the focus off of the child and onto the birthmother’s limitations.
I was not adopted, but I grew up in an abusive environment and have had to grieve many issues surrounding my own mother. One saying was particularly comforting to me in dealing with her limitations:
Just because someone doesn’t love you with all that you need doesn’t mean she isn’t loving you with all that she has.
This saying helped me to see that her inability to love me in the way that I needed was never about me. There was nothing I could have done to change the way she felt about me because the problem was her limitations, not mine. Perhaps this saying can be a healing balm to older adopted children as well.
Related Topics:
I couldn’t even read all of this without crying. I wonder what to tell my son (born in Russia, relinquished at birth) whose birthmother chose to parent his older siblings but made an adoption plan for him. Someday he’ll see his adoption paperwork (whether I show it to him or he sees it upon my death–I cannot destroy it no matter how I try to justify in my mind that I would be protecting him)and that paperwork contains a direct written sentence from his birthmother when asked “Why are you relinquishing this child to the care of the state?” and she replies in her own words and handwriting that “I already have two children, I don’t want three.” What am I to tell him? What can I say? Of course anything I have to say on the subject is mere conjecture, but his birthmother’s point of view on paper is very clear…”I already have two children, I don’t want three.” I would love advice from anyone on how I can approach this. My husband believes we should keep it from him at all costs, and I disagree. My son is 3 1/2 now and my guess is the questions will begin right around the corner. Any advice or suggestions are welcome. Thanks.
P.S. I’m not seeking advice on how I can drop all this information on my son when he asks his first adoption question at the age of 4, but I’m really stumped and bewildered at how to handle this as he grows and wants to know more and more. Just a clarification
((((((( HUGS )))))))
I know how hard it was for me to approach this subject with my son when he WAS wanted by his birthmother. I can only imagine your pain in facing your situation.
I am going to write an answer to your questions and post it tomorrow.
Take care,
- Faith
Faith, thank you for an outstanding post. I really like the two ideas, not knowing how to love, and loving you with all that she has. John
Thanks, John!! Your kudos really mean a lot, especially since you have lived this issue.
Take care,
- Faith
Faith:
Excellent post!! And thank you so much for looking right at a very real and little-discussed aspect of adoption….the birthparents who, even given a choice to parent, would prefer not to.
Loved the “didn’t know how to love” answer….very concrete and so easier for a little mind to wrap itself around and it also takes the blame completely off of both birthmother and child. Very good.
“Just because someone doesn’t love you with all that you need doesn’t mean she isn’t loving you with all that she has.
This saying helped me to see that her inability to love me in the way that I needed was never about me. There was nothing I could have done to change the way she felt about me because the problem was her limitations, not mine. Perhaps this saying can be a healing balm to older adopted children as well. “
I can totally relate to this, Faith. Totally. Thanks so much for posting it….it is so comforting
Thanks for your comment. I am truly sorry that you can relate to that saying, but I am glad that it can be a healing balm for you, too. So many people have told me “She did the best she could,” but that never helped. I just got angry because her best was not good enough. This other saying helped me to appreciate what she did have to offer — all that she had — even though it was woefully inadequate.
Take care,
- Faith
This is a great post. We are watching a distantly related family implode and may be (sadly but gratefully- such a mix!) blessed in the fallout by adopting an almost two year-old. I’ve already wondered what to say if we get the kid when she eventually needs to know what went down.
The idea that her parents didn’t know how to love, or weren’t able to show love clearly to her are an excellent place to start. They did not do the best they can do, at least not so far. I’m just not able to buy that Maya Angelou stuff, though I do understand it has been a long and difficult road for them, both through their choices and the choices of their own parents years ago.
Anyway… This is also a really lovely way to honor the people in a tough situation, by attempting to be honest and constructive with a child & later an adult adoptee.
Thanks. I am glad this was helpful to you.
- Faith
Another thing to consider is maybe the translation of her comment into English leaves out the feeling behind it. She also may have felt like she HAD to give that reason, or maybe she wasn’t allowed to give another reason. I have no idea how adoption is generally looked on in Russia–if attitudes are behind, ahead of, or about the same as the US. I’m just thinking that her true feelings may not be as stark as the printed words sound. When you need your words, you will surely have them when the time comes. Peace.
Good point Mariah!!
- Faith