Reunion Protocol Continued

I ended my discussion yesterday about supporting your adolescent’s reunion with his or her parents with suggestions about making the initial contact a campaign of written exchanges. I emphasized the fact that this method of communication could go on for months. Once you and your child feel you are developing a meaningful rapport with your child’s birthparent via this method of communication it is time to move to the next level of contact.

Before, I go into the details of this any further, let me now digress and explain the psychobabble rumination about why I developed this particular protocol. Over the years I have seen many previously well-adjusted adoptive families strained to the near breaking point because of reunions gone awry. After listening to some really poignant and heart breaking stories it occurred to me that one of the elements that was common to all of their journeys was this notion of “emotional flooding.”

It seemed that the child decided to seek reunion, the adoptive parents decided to support the effort, the child’s birth parent was willing to make contact, some minimal amount of counseling may or may not have gone into the planning of the contact, physical contact was made and then…all hell broke loose. The best I could determine was that someone in the triad became emotionally overwhelmed by the sight, the sound, the feel of the experience and activated responses that were an effort to manage these feelings. The problem was, the responses that were activated had the exact opposite effect, making matters worse. It became nearly impossible to sort it all out after the fact when everyone showed up in my office an emotional wreck.

So, let me be clear, there is no empiracle data that supports the use of the protocol I am suggesting. The success I report is purely anecdotal. You know what they say about necessity being the mother of invention? Well, this protocol was invented, by me, out of necessity. (As an aside, I have also found that with some necessary adjustments specific to the circumstances it works extraordinarily well for children who are being reunited with a formerly abusive parent.)

The goal of planning for reunion in the structured step-wise manner that I am advocating is to facilitate something that is called regulation of affect. Simply put, it keeps emotions in check. This allows rational thinking to run the show just long enough so that when emotional feelings begin to push forward it will take the form of a calm and steady stream instead of a torrential downpour or a flood.

A novel experience as emotionally laden as a reunion event carries the implicit power to overwhelm one’s emotions. It involves, seeing, hearing, touching, holding, talking to, a stranger who casts an infinitely long but intimate shadow over your past, your present, and your future. So, my “solution” to all of this was to titrate this process.

You can see from what I am suggesting that each phase offers an increasing level of exposure for everyone involved. There is ample time allowed during each phase of contact to process and assimilate the meaning and the experience of it all.

Alrighty. Back to the protocol. We’ve discussed letter writing. Now with the background knowledge that you have, you can see how letter writing is the logical first step of contact. Next step audiotape. See how that works? After possibly months of contact that is cushioned and buffered against direct overwhelming exposure, the first exposure your child will experience will be auditory. Plus, it is auditory contact that you can control/titrate/regulate with the simple use of the on/off switch. Neat, huh? You can’t very well do that once the birthparent is standing right that in front of you.

So, after letter writing it is time to purchase an inexpensive cassette recorder and a ton of audiocassettes. Encourage your child to make audiotapes to carry on the dialogue that he or she established through letter writing. Again, support this process but do not intrude. Send the entire thing (cassette recorder and tape) to your child’s birth parent and ask for a response. Then. More waiting. Don’t rush it. If you get a response. Fantastic! Discuss and process. Repeat. Continue until comfort is established at this level of exposure.

Next phase: Videotape. By now you should pretty much be able to see how this would work.

Final phase: Plan for face-to-face contact. Each party should bring a stack of favorite letters, cards, notes, that were exchanged in the initial contact. After the initial pleasantries have been exchanged and the awkwardness has somewhat subsided, pull out the letters and share them with one another. Talk about why the ones that were chosen were so special and meaningful.

At subsequent meetings share favorite audiotapes and talk about one another’s responses to each. At a subsequent meeting sit down together and watch a favorite videotape that was made during the process.

I have many experienced and knowledgable colleagues who believe this process is too contrived; that it takes too damn long; and because of both of these things it places far too much of an emotional strain on the child, the adoptive parents, and on the reunifying parent. I have been critcized roundly for promoting this protocol by those who say it places an unfair burden on all of the parties involved some or all of whom simply may not have the emotional or psychological resources to sustain this kind of an effort.

To my well-meaning (and possibly correct) critics I say this. Reunion–just like loving, just like marriage, just like having children, just like adopting, just like placing a child for adoption, just like every other meaningful and highly valued relationship experience in life–is about commitment. It is, indeed, about commitment to staying the course over the long haul. It is about commitment to something greater than the individuals involved.

If any one of the parties is unable or unwilling to commit to the work that this protocol requires, then what does that tell you? It’s not time yet. It doesn’t permanently close the door on the possibility of reunion. It simply says that maybe now is not the time and perhaps everyone should try again later.

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