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My adopted child is also an “only child.” I had always planned to have two children who would be spaced about two years apart. This was not meant to be. By the time we were invited to do a home study to adopt a second child, my son, Nicholas, was three years old. By the time our profile was being shown to expecting mothers, Nicholas was approaching his fourth birthday. We ultimately decided not to adopt again and just to enjoy our only child.
Nicholas is now going through a tough time because of this decision. He is six years old, and he just started first grade. He is a very outgoing and sociable child, as well as a very physically active child. His favorite activity is to ride his bike with his friends.
This is where the problem comes in: He has very few friends who have the time to ride bikes with him or pretty much do anything with him after school. He has a bunch of friends, but most are involved in one or more after-school activities, anything from soccer to cub scouts. Also, most of his friends are introverts with siblings. So, his friends do not seem to desire many play dates.
Nicholas is not ready to commit to a bunch of scheduled after-school activities. Also, children need free playtime so that not every minute of their lives is scheduled for them. Nicholas does not want to play soccer: He wants to spend time using his imagination and having fun one-on-one interaction with another child. Nicholas used to have this with different friends, but as his friends have gravitated toward scheduled activities and as their families have grown, they have stopped being available for many play dates.
So, where does this leave my very outgoing and sociable only child? At home alone, wondering what is wrong with him because nobody wants to play with him. It breaks my heart to hear him say this because it is simply not true. Most kids love him because he is very fun to play with. However, they are either too busy with after-school activities or siblings to have a need to play with him.
As a parent, how do I handle this? What can I do to help him not to feel so hurt when he feels repeatedly rejected by his friends? I cannot force other people to come to play dates, and I don’t want to adopt another child just so Nicholas will have somebody to play with. Have any of you been through this? I would appreciate any suggestions that you might have.
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This is a difficult issue that I occasionally had with my youngest son, who had much older siblings who left home when he was young. So many kids are programmed after school, and I always limited the number of my son’s after school activities.
I don’t think there is one solution: encourage him to find something he is really interested in when he is alone. If the kids in the neighborhood aren’t around after school, maybe there is someone who doesn’t live close by that would like to come over. You can sometimes find this out when you meet other parents from his class.
I always felt sorry for the “over scheduled” kids.
Lisa S.
It helps to hear that my family is not the only one to have faced this issue. His main interests are riding his bike, running, and swimming. He strongly prefers to do these activities with other children. He is also interested in Lacrosse, but in our area, you cannot join the league until you are 8 years old.
We are adopting a greyhound in a couple of weeks. I am hoping that will help, too. We have a very old dog (15 years old) who cannot really do much any more. I am hoping that we can go on walks together and maybe they can run around in the backyard together.
- Faith
Iwas an only child, and though not lonely, I wanted to give my daughter the loving bond of a sister. So when Sissy was 5, I adopted Sassy, age 3.
Sissy loved ballet and church activities. She played the violin. Sassy loved horseback riding (Sissy was so allergic to horses she never saw Sassy ride.) As they grew older, they had even less in common. By the time yhey reached high school, the only thing they agreed on was shoes. They bought a pair for every outfit.
Finally, Sissy went to college and Sassy went to jail and now they don’t speak at all, except when under my roof.
I think adopting a second child so your first won’t be lonely is a wrong move.
“Nicholas is not ready to commit to a bunch of scheduled after-school activities. Also, children need free playtime so that not every minute of their lives is scheduled for them.”
Is there a middle ground between being overscheduled with “a bunch” after-school activities and non? Participating in, say, one? Something that gives him a chance to learn teamwork and cooperation and have fun with other kids for one or two hours a week? Maybe join a swim team?
Another idea might be for you to offer to provide reasonably priced after-school care for some working families in your school.
We’d all love it if everybody else always wanted to do what we wanted, but part of growing up is learning that that won’t really happen. Too deep a lesson for a six year old for sure. But having a sibling doesn’t guarantee he’d have a playmate either so don’t give yourself a guilt trip. The sibling might have very different interests. That’s something my own kids don’t realize. They’ve each asked for a sibling of their same gender and age as if somehow that means that they’d have a robot-friend-brother/sister always at their beck and call to do what they wanted.
“I think adopting a second child so your first won’t be lonely is a wrong move.”
I agree. I do not believe it is fair to a child to adopt him unless you really WANT to parent another child, and I really do not WANT to do this. I am not seriously considering doing this. However, I will confess that I do occasionally feel twinges of guilt over my son being an only child.
“But having a sibling doesn’t guarantee he’d have a playmate either so don’t give yourself a guilt trip. The sibling might have very different interests.”
This happened w/my husband, and it happened w/a friend of mine. I definitely do not need TWO children complaining about not having play dates w/other children. LOL
“Is there a middle ground between being overscheduled with “a bunch” after-school activities and non? Participating in, say, one? Something that gives him a chance to learn teamwork and cooperation and have fun with other kids for one or two hours a week? Maybe join a swim team?”
He goes to an after-school art program one day a week, in part because he likes it and in part because I need the childcare one afternoon a week. He really enjoys that program, and he is very happy each week when I pick him up.
He used to have another after-school activity one day a week. In the Fall it was karate, and in the Spring it was guitar. He chose to drop both, and he does not want to do another organized activity right now. I have offered several alternatives, but he just flat is not interested right now. Perhaps that will change, but I do not want to force him to participate in a second program each week. I want him to WANT to do the activity.
“Another idea might be for you to offer to provide reasonably priced after-school care for some working families in your school.”
I do not have the temperment for this. LOL However, I have suggested that he can invited different friends over straight from school. I can pick the child up and babysit for a couple of hours, which gives the parent some extra free time. I think this might be our best option at this point.
Thanks for the advice about losing the guilt trip. That helps. :0)
- Faith
My kids are available after school. What time can you pick them up? I always love free babysitting, er, I mean playdates!
oh yes, deep six the guilt. Kids are in and out of tendencies quickly. It won’t be long before he’s on to something that grabs his interest and connecting with friends through that activity. Love the robo-child comment above. Isn’t it the truth? things never turn out that way. yes, sibs can become great friends. the potential exists for it to go the other way too.
Some things that worked for my quieter kiddos at lonely times were things like “Mavis Beacon teaches typing,” reading, legos. You’re likely already doing that stuff. The dog is a fine idea.
Can you do some babysitting for another mom in the neighborhood? When I pick up my 5 year old from school, I also pick up my neighbor’s daughter and take them both back to my house for 1-2 hours every school day. They get a snack and some play time together and before they know it time is up for the day, and unless they are both severely cranky they really don’t have enough time to bicker with each other, it really works out well.
Do you have a local park? Ours is always full of kids to play with, you don’t have to schedule a thing just show up and see who is around to hang out with and have some fun.
And of course you could always just put a pool in the backyard…then you will ALWAYS have kids ringning your doorbell!
When my adopted stepson was younger he was very behind socially and had a terrible time making friends, so again I offered to watch someone’s son after school, I got a little extra cash, he got a playmate, and they were home with me where I could keep an eye and help direct my adopted stepson as to what the correct social behaviors were, when needed.
“My kids are available after school. What time can you pick them up? I always love free babysitting, er, I mean playdates!”
ROFL!!!!!
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“oh yes, deep six the guilt.”
I am doing this, thanks to all of you!! :0)
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“Can you do some babysitting for another mom in the neighborhood?”
There really isn’t anyone in the neighborhood who needs regular babysitting, but I am considering inviting more friends over for playdates. Most moms welcome a free hour or two. :0)
I do hope his interests will change soon and that he will find something to hold his attention. (He has ADHD, which makes the issue more complex — limited attention span.) Here’s hoping the new dog will do the trick!!
Thanks everyone!!
- Faith
What a great conversation…we’re on the fence about number two, so this is interesting to me.
As a teacher, I can tell you that over the years I have seen several “onlies” pair up with another “only” and form very sweet almost-sibling relationships…. And they almost all have dogs!
My son has a female “only” friend like this, and they are so cute. They trick-or-treat together. She was there when he lost his first tooth. Their relationship is really special.
- Faith