I want to talk about the disruption process, but about the emotional process rather than the legal process.

Let’s start with the term disruption. Legally it means that a placement is terminated before an adoption is finalized. A placement terminated after the adoption is finalized is called a dissolution, but disruption is commonly used in both circumstances. In fact, I rarely hear anyone use the term dissolution.

Whether the placement is terminated before or after adoption does not make the decision process any less painful. Our family has never voluntarily disrupted a placement. We had two children removed from our custody during an abuse investigation and the loss was incredibly painful regardless of the fact that legally they were not our children. In our hearts they were our children, and will always be our children.

Our six year old daughter came to our family after her placement terminated in a wonderful adoptive family. They worked very hard to help her, but she was not open to being a part of their family. I have worked with other families who have made the choice to disrupt, or who have taken children from disrupted adoptions.

The emotional process that the parents go through is extremely painful. Most of the time it is painful for the child as well, but there are some children who do not have a high level of attachment to their family so moving again is not as emotionally hard as some might think.

Almost all of the families that I have worked with have come to the decision after years of hard work trying to help a child. In rare cases parents have made the decision within a few weeks or months of the placement.

One of the first things that parents feel is that they don’t like their child or that they can’t handle their child. Most of the cases that I have dealt with have been children with fairly severe attachment issues. The family has been in turmoil for a long time trying to help a child deal with attachment issues as well as the trauma that lead to the child’s adoption. Most parents have done extensive attachment therapy, have tried respite and various other things. The decision to terminate the placement is not one that is done lightly.

Once the family has reached a decision to disrupt, they begin to try to find a placement for the child. They love the child enough to want a good home, even if that home cannot be with them. It is not unusual for a family to have “second thoughts” or decide to try one last thing, even after a potential family has been found. Parents don’t want to get rid of children. Saying good-bye to their child as the child leaves for another family is an emotional roller coaster. On one hand the chaos is over, and on the other hand there may be feelings of failure, the loss of a child, and all the grief that goes with it.

Even after the child is in the new placement and the family returns to “normal” there are a myriad of emotions that the families go through. There may be feelings of guilt if they don’t miss the child because of the lack of chaos. If the child does well in the new placement, there may again be feelings of failure that if they had just done the right thing the child might have been able to remain in their home. There will be sadness, some anger, and all the other stages of grief. This is an immense and emotional decision.

I have known a few families that have disrupted very quickly or for very superficial reasons, but they are few and far between. The majority of the families love the child and want what is best for everyone.

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