I tend not to get too worked up about some of the insensitive and downright silly things that people say about adoption. I guess it all depends on how I feel on any given day. I've settled down over the years, but some things still bother me. For example, whenever someone tells me that they are uncomfortable with the thought of adopting because "you just don't know what you're getting." That still bothers me. Not as much as it used to, but, I still have to count to ten when I hear that comment, before I respond.

It would make more sense to me if the anxiety expressed by these folks was about unknown medical history, but, that's not typically the case. Usually the fear of the unknown is being expressed about potential emotional,behavioral,learning or psychiatric problems. It still bothers me, but, I used to find myself getting highly defensive about this issue, unreasonably so.

Early on in the adoption process before we were matched with our daughters, I felt compelled to "set straight" any and every body who made this kind of comment to me. Friend, acquaintance, relative, or, stranger; it didn't matter. The person didn't even have to be talking directly to me. If I heard the statement, then I made sure to give whomever was talking a piece of my mind.

"Oh please. You don't know what you're getting any @#($* way, even when you give birth to a child!" Or, if I happened to know a juicy family tidbit I might throw that in for good measure after going on my rant. "Hey! Wasn't your sister the one who had the so-called "nervous breakdown" last year? Or, "Wasn't your son arrested last month for joyriding in a stolen car? Looks like you didn't know what you were "getting" now doesn't it?"

How silly was all of that? Needless to say, I was often weary, angry, and just emotionally drained. Plus, nobody liked me very much and I pushed away some people with my own ignorant and spiteful retorts. That's been years ago, and to this day, I don't know why I was so invested in trying to convince others that their perspective was wrong. What's more, I don't know why I felt the need to do so in such an enraged way. I was old enough to know better, but that didn't seem to matter.

Perhaps my rigid insistence on educating people about their comments said more about me and my own insecurities than about their so-called ignorance and stupidity? I still haven't figured it out, but, I have come to the conclusion that while we could have all communicated our sentiments in a more thoughtful and considerate way, all we were doing was making the same observation from different perspectives.

The fact of the matter is that when you have children, you don't know what the future will bring. You just don't know. Who can explain why some children born into the most dire of circumstances grow up to be incredibly compassionate souls who bring nothing but love and joy to everyone around them, and why others, raised in loving homes with every conceivable resource, grow up to wreak havoc on society and break their parents hearts in two? Who the heck knows?

When my son behaves obnoxiously I just figure that he needs to be disciplined, period. So, that's what I do. He pulls himself together and we all move on. But there has been a time or two when my daughters have been equally "off the hook" (a slang term meaning out of control-well that's sorta what it means) and I have found myself wondering "uh-oh, where is that coming from, does this mean something?" Then, I yell at them, or punish them, or talk to them, and it all straightens out and I feel stupid and embarrassed for having those "bad seed" thoughts.

As the years go by, and as my children grow, I find I cling more and more to the words of Khalil Gibran: "...Your children come through you, but they are not of you..." (or something like that). I'm doing my best to be a "steady bow in The Archer's Hand" so that no matter what, these three arrows will--soar.

Hmmm...I think I'll go online and find that reference and post it here tomorrow. I haven't seen it in a while and I think it's so beautiful. Maybe anyone visiting here will be reminded so, too.

Dr. G.