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Continued from previous post.
Some young girls from the era covered in Fessler’s book who became pregnant found the voice to say no to the social forces that were pressing in on them to go away, hide, and surrender their children. They married, or had back alley abortions, or raised their children alone. They chose their own path instead of the one society was hellbent on placing them on. But, were their lives any less challenging than the girls who went away? Didn’t
they, too, suffer immeasurable pain and guilt and regret? What about those women?
Do they sit and wonder how life would have been different if they had just gone away, surrendered their children, and returned as if nothing had ever happened. That’s the problem. Something did happen. Unplanned and/or unwanted pregnancy happened. I agree that it was a sociocultural setup in the biggest of ways. Boy was it ever! A sting operation is more like it. But, once the sting had been carried out, it seems to me that the option that was unavailable to the girls who went away…that of raising their children…still would not have brought the peace and sanity that they believe, in hindsight, it would have.
Wouldn’t the upheaval and the chaos and the unbearable pain of coerced adoption have been replaced by the upheaval, and chaos, and unbearable pain of parenting under (by their own definition) suboptimal circumstances? Isn’t that what we have today? Aren’t young girls still being set up?
Now the set up has a different spin on it: What kind of mother “gives away” her baby for adoption? I have lost count of the number of pregnant teenage girls and their families that I have seen in my office where the pressure is exactly the opposite of what Fessler describes in her book. Out of wedlock pregnancy has lost its stigma. Many young girls are expected to raise their children. I have seen this phenomenon cut across socioeconomic boundaries. The girl tries to find her voice to say, “I don’t want to do this!” “I’m not ready for this!” “Don’t make me do this!” This being…raising her child.
The parents, the church, the grandparents press in and say, “You must do this!” “You should have thought about that before. Now you have to take responsibility.” Even church folks have a pat line for it now that I have heard a million times, if I have heard it once. There ain’t no sin in havin’ a baby chile. The sin is in the fornicatin.’
My how times have changed.
What about those girls, now in the year 2006? The ones who don’t go away, but are forced…to stay? How will they feel in thirty years?
This is a really great point.
A good friend of mine mentors high school aged girls and in the past year and a half two of the girls have gotten pregnant…kept their babies…and because of poor parenting, poor support, the need to be a teenager, whatever…have had DSS step in and take them away.
This is not to say that all girls who are young parents won’t meet the challenge, but I think it needs to be more okay to say that you don’t want to or can’t.
Being a parent is HARD WORK! Being a good parent is almost impossible, even with a steady partner, a good job, and family support…
Dr. G., I did both – getting pregnant at both 16 and 21. From my personal experience, living a lifetime without your child, for whatever reason, is infinitely more difficult than raising a child at a very young age. Most birth moms I know feel similarly.
Although I WAS able to meet the challenge as Adrienne puts it (at age 16), I do know not all young women can. However, I know how relinquishing wounds your heart for a lifetime as well.
Of course being a parent is hard at any age, from my experience. However, being a mother without her child, is a million times more difficult.
P.S. I don’t think we can or should force women to parent, but I believe that they need to know the REAL consequences for themselves and their children when they don’t.
Totally agree, Jan. I think it’s really about informed choice, no matter which way you slice it!
I started a comment, and it’s ended up a post. It will be on the Older Parent blog. Didn’t want to clog up your comments section, Doc.
Really? Out of wedlock pregnancy has lost its stigma? Please go tell the staff where I received my prenatal care with the Munchkin, my family and the small town from which I hail.
Wow.
Adrienne–
that’s precisely the thing i’m talking about. a different kind of set up. doggone it. it’s like the bottom line to the set up is we’re going to get that baby from you one way or the other. either we’ll send you away and make you give her up or we’ll make you keep her and then take her from you when you screw it all up. ack! this is crazy making…
Sandra–
Saw your piece over on our other blog. Yep. You’re right. About the part about why my reaction has been…my reaction…thus far, at least.
Jan–
thanks for being able to answer what was really the central question. i wasn’t writing about sour grapes. i was asking if women with a different experience asked themselves a different and equally painful question in the aftermath of it all. you’ve answered that for yourself (and now for me). it is harder to be without your child than to be with your child even when the circumstances of it all are stressful and challenging. thanks.
Jenna–
I know girls still catch flak for “getting themselves pregnant” (what a stupid and innaccurate…no, make that an *impossible* statement) but the stigma of getting pregnant in 2006 is nothing like it was in 1966 or even 1976. nothing. that much i’ve seen with my own eyes.
Here’ s the link for my comment, for all the lazies ….
http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/comment-on-dr-g-s-post-on-the-girls-who
Dr. G; you didn’t say that. You said:
Out of wedlock pregnancy has lost its stigma
And that’s not the case for every single area of the world. Let’s not be so blind as to think such things are true for every case.
Jenna–
you’re right. point taken. i thought one thing and wrote another. that’s the thing about blog writing. there’s no shortage of editors. keeps the writing honest.
and heaven’s no, *nothing* is the case for every single area of the world. nothing.
The stigma is not gone. It is part of why I placed.