In my post What if Your Adopted Child Really was “Unwanted”?, I received a very sad comment from OwensMama about her situation. Her 3-1/2 year old adopted child’s birthmother did not want him, and OwensMama is agonizing over how to talk with him about this as he grows.

Here is part of OwensMama’s comment:

[The adoption] paperwork contains a direct written sentence from his birthmother when asked "Why are you relinquishing this child to the care of the state?" and she replies in her own words and handwriting that "I already have two children, I don't want three." What am I to tell him? What can I say?

I am going to give my advice on how I would handle this situation. I welcome input from anyone else, particular those of you who have faced a similar situation with your own adopted children.

My son is six years old, and he did not start asking questions about why his birthmother placed him for adoption until recently. Before children are 6 or 7 years old, most really do not get that being born to another woman means that she chose not to parent them. Until they reach this stage of development, just knowing that you love him even though he did not come out of your tummy is enough.

My son is now at the age where he is starting to ask more questions. I received great advice from an adult adoptee about how to handle this: Answer the question asked honestly in an age-appropriate manner. Do not provide more information than the child asks. By doing this, you give the child the ability to learn as much as he is ready to process at the moment.

As your child starts to ask questions about why his birthmother did not want him, I would say that she believed that placing him into a loving home was what was best. He will probably not ask “best for whom?” for a while, so this should be enough for the early years.

As he gets older and asks more questions, I would work in, as he asks, that she was not able to handle parenting a third child. You do not know why this is because she did not write it down. Perhaps she could barely afford to feed the two that she had. We cannot assume that this was a completely selfish decision based upon what she wrote. I would talk about how it is hard to feed, clothe, and take care of multiple children, so she made sure parents who could provide those things for him could raise him.

Then as he gets older and asks more questions, I would take the route that John did in the comments on my post, Reassuring the “Unwanted” Adopted Child. Here is his advice from the comments:

I pointed out the great number of things that had to have happened when they did and just how they did, so we could become a family. I told them that it seemed to me that there was a master plan, and no matter what, we were supposed to be together as family, and that I knew how lucky I was to have them. – John

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And then, as your son grows even older, he may very well face the plain truth one day as he views those papers. As he is an older teen and into adulthood, he will need to come to terms with accepting that not every parent can provide the love that a child needs, but thank goodness he has you because you do love him wholeheartedly. I have had to deal with this myself, as an adult survivor of childhood abuse. As I posted in my last post, What if Your Adopted Child Really was “Unwanted”?, the following quote has been very healing for me:

Just because someone doesn’t love you with all that you need doesn’t mean she isn’t loving you with all that she has.

The main thing you need to remember is that your son is not going to ask about all of this at one time. You will answer his questions in stages, and you will love him before, during, and after each question. You are setting a solid foundation to help him to grieve this loss.

My adult adoptee friend told me never to lie to my son. Even if the truth is painful, if he asks, tell him the truth in the gentlest way that you can.

Related Topics:

• Reassuring the “Unwanted” Adopted Child


• Adoptees and Adoptive Parents



• Accepting the Facts of Your Adoption and Finding Peace as an Adoptee