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Most people agree that adoptive parents should not speak ill of an adopted child’s birthparents. Because the adopted child is biologically related to his birthparents, they share a connection. Speaking ill of his birthparents has the potential of making the child feel badly about himself.
But what if the birthparent was abusive to the child? Is it ever okay, or even beneficial, to speak ill of the child’s birthparent? This is a controversial area in adoptive parenting, and people on either side of the issue generally feel very strongly about their position.
I believe that some circumstances necessitate speaking ill of a birthparent. I am not talking about slamming on birthparents on a regular basis, nor I am talking about speaking ill of all birthparents. In most cases, I believe that birthparents should be treated respectfully. However, I do believe that, in some cases, we can cause our adopted children harm when we refuse to speak ill of an abusive birthparent just because we are “not supposed to” do so, especially in situations where the child is looking for validation that the birthparent was wrong to abuse him.
I grew up in an abusive environment and was never fortunate enough to be rescued and placed into a loving adoptive home. I had no adoptive parents to reach out toward, but I did try to reach out toward other people in my life for emotional support. Most of them took the position that they should never speak ill of somebody’s mother regardless of the circumstances. This was emotionally damaging to me, causing me to feel even more isolated and to question whether I was responsible for the way I was treated.
I will share a mild example of what I am talking about. A few months after my father passed away (when I was 17), my mother told my sister and me that she hated us. She told us that we had to forgive her for hating us or we would burn in hell. Then, she commemorated the event with a stuffed animal. Obviously, this conversation was very painful for both my sister and me. Our father has just died, our mother hated us, and we were going to burn in hell for being angry about all of this.
I tried to talk to other people about how painful this conversation was, and they refused to say anything bad about my mother. I needed to hear that it was not okay for her to tell me that she hated me. I needed to hear that I was loveable even though my mother was too crazy to appreciate me for the precious child I was. Instead, I was told repeatedly that I needed to love and respect her because she was still my mother no matter what she said or did.
I know these people were trying to be respectful of my mother and not cause damage by speaking ill of her. However, what I heard was that it was my fault because it was okay for her to say things like this to me. After all, she was my mother, right? Since I perceived everyone as taking her side, I wound up hating myself more and more.
I cannot tell you how good it felt the first time somebody said point blank, “Your mother is f%#$ed in the head.” Hearing this put so bluntly was incredibly healing for me. For the first time in my life, somebody was validating that she was wrong, regardless of the fact that she was my mother. Her being my mother did not give her a “free pass” to treat me any way she pleased.
I did not hear, “You are a bad person because you are related to a bad person.” Instead, I heard, “Your perceptions are right. You don’t deserve to be treated this way, and there is something wrong with her.” Hearing those words was a big step toward helping me to heal from the pain of being raised by an abusive woman.
I do believe that most birthparents deserve respect, especially those who chose adoption for their children. However, I believe the blanket rule that we should never say anything ill about a birthparent, even when a child is clearly seeking validation that an abusive birthparent’s actions were wrong, is harmful to adopted children. Kids need to hear that being abused is never okay, even when a birthparent inflicted the abuse.
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We believe in honesty, especially with older adopted children. They know what happened to them, and witnessed their parents behavior every day. To say that you love their birth parents will leave them thinking that YOU are crazy.
I tell my kids that I am thankful for the birthmothers because without them I wouldn’t the kids I have, but I hate the things they did to my kids.
You and I both know what our kids lived, because we lived it too. They need to hear that what was done to them was wrong.
I do’t believe in speaking ill of the birthparents, but I do believe in speaking ill of their actions. You can point out to a child that the way an adult handled something is wrong, without having to trash that adult or simply saying that the adult is wrong alltogether.
When we have spoken to my adopted stepson about some of the abuse and neglect that he has gone through, we talk about how it made him feel, other choices that could have been made, if he were an adult and faced with the same situation what choice he would have made, and how even adults make mistakes. We have never excused her behavior, but we have also done our best as he has gotten older to show him some of the reasons that she is the way that she is, such as her own unstable childhood. We have tried to show him that just because a person makes bad choices, it doesn’t always make them a bad person.
I may have to write abou this today, you really got me thinking about this topic, I too suffered through an abusive childhood, and my father ended up commiting suidice once my mom was able to remove all of us from the situation.
Faith,
It sounds like your mother did not know how to handle her own loss, and she was trying to control how you girls were going to deal (or not) with yours too. If you showed any grief or loss, well how could she deal with it? She could not even address her own.
I agree what she did was wrong, you deserved to feel what you were feeling, even if it scared the hell out of her.
Such a sad story, but honestly could have been ripped from my life too, so I hear what your saying. The thing is you survived, and you have learned that it is ok to show your pain, that is a huge step.
(((Hugs)))
Thank you to all of you for your comments.
“I tell my kids that I am thankful for the birthmothers because without them I wouldn’t the kids I have, but I hate the things they did to my kids.”
I think this is a good perspective to have.
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“You can point out to a child that the way an adult handled something is wrong, without having to trash that adult or simply saying that the adult is wrong alltogether.”
I am looking forward to reading your post on this topic. I, personally, needed to hear that my mother was wrong. I chose the example I did because it was relatively mild. My mother did much worse things, including ongoing abuse. Another example was when I told her that I was considering committing suicide. She thought it was funny and made fun of this at church, saying how ridiculous it was that children would go to this length to get attention. Fortunately, a friend’s mother overheard this and intervened. Without her intervention, I might not still be alive today.
In my opinion, she was wrong altogether. You ALWAYS take a child’s suicidal comments seriously (and I was dead serious). If a child is lying about this to get attention, then clearly the child has issues.
I am very interested in reading your views on this topic on your blog. :0)
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“It sounds like your mother did not know how to handle her own loss, and she was trying to control how you girls were going to deal (or not) with yours too. If you showed any grief or loss, well how could she deal with it? She could not even address her own.”
Her sanity snapped when my father passed away. Her sanity was always tentative, but it snapped altogether when he died. She was audibly hearing messages from God, and her mood swings were off the charts. I tried to tell other people this, but they did not “hear” me because she was my mother. This is one reason I feel so passionately about this topic.
Thanks for the hugs. It actually does not hurt any more because I have dealt with the pain and grieved the losses. It is nice for the wounds to now only be scars.
Thanks again for the comments, everyone!!
- Faith
“In my opinion she was wrong all together.” That is the way I see it with my sons’ abusive parents. Yes, we talk about the not so awful times and that is positive. When we talk about abuse, I never put any extenuating circumstances into the discussion. “Your Mom was very wrong to do that and you did not deserve to be treated that way”. There are other times that we talk about the Mom’s life situation and the things that were so overwhelming to her, but never mixed with talking about abuse. She was wrong period, no excuses. John
John,
I really like the way you handle talking about these issues with your kids. It would have helped me tremendously as a child to be told, “Your Mom was very wrong to do that and you did not deserve to be treated that way”.
Take care,
- Faith