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We had a semi-open adoption with our son’s birthmother, T. We sent her pictures and letters every other month for the first year of my son’s life, and then we cut back to sending the packages twice a year at Christmas and Mother’s Day through the adoption agency. She chose to keep the communication one-way.
During the first couple of years, the social worker would call T to let her know that a package had arrived. That social worker left the agency, so I had to remind the agency each time to continue to do this. When my son was three, T’s phone was disconnected, so the agency mailed the packages without any advanced notice by phone. When my son was four, T moved, leaving no forwarding address.
I was surprised by how much it upset me when T moved without notifying the agency, which effectively closed our adoption. I had pushed hard for a closed adoption before we were matched, but after having a semi-open adoption, I came to appreciate the rewards of having a semi-open adoption.
I respect T’s right to close the adoption. I would imagine that seeing the beautiful child who looks so much like her in the arms of another woman must be very difficult to face. I have no doubt that her decision to lose contact arose out of pain and/or a desire to move on with her life rather than out of a lack of caring for my son. I am convinced that she still thinks about him, loves him, and wants what is best for him. I suspect that one reason she was able to end contact was that she knew he was in good hands.
I had to decide whether her choice to close the adoption relieved me of the obligation to prepare packages for her. The agency will no longer accept them because they have limited storage space, so any package I put together must stay in my house. I decided to continue putting the packages together but to cut down to doing this only once a year at Christmas. The packages are twice as large because I still provide the same amount of information spanning the entire year: I just see no point in doing this every six months if the packages are just going to sit in my house.
If my son and T choose never to search for each other, then I will give the packages to my son when he is an adult. If he changes his mind about searching, he can bring the packages along. Otherwise, he can have a full recording of his childhood, including a ton of pictures, for his own household.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Another reason she might have chosen to end contact is that it is extremely painful to have to deal with the agency as intermediary. It is really hard to be forced to continually deal with the scene of your loss.
I am not saying this was why she chose to end contact, but it is a possibility. I have heard many birthparents say that this was a part of their thinking. Semi-openness is just such a limbo. No one enjoys living in limbo.
Good point!! I had never thought about that angle, but it makes sense. Thank you for sharing that perspective.
- Faith
I’ll say this as quickly as I can. I think you are a strong and loving person to have done what you did for as long as you have.
Next, I am a Birth Parent who had been trying to locate the Adoptive Parents for years. My family had been hiding the letters from me that the Adoptive mother had been sending me.
I finally received a letter she had written back in October of 1993. I got it on Christmas of 2006. It was the best Christmas gift I have ever gotten! There was a photo album with pictures and a long letter about the health of my birth child.
I am so grateful to that woman for keeping a closed adoption open for the sake of our child. For the sake of Love.
May you find Peace, Faith, and Love wherever you go. Most of all Love (smile).