Throughout my series on resilience, I have been primarily focusing on the resilience of abused adopted children. Now let’s talk about the resilience of adopted children who were never abused. They, too, need resilience as they face their adoption histories.

I was quite disturbed when I first learned about the book The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier. In a nutshell, the author asserts that all adopted children suffer from a "primal wound" when they are placed for adoption because their connection with the first person they ever loved is severed. I agree that children experience a loss by losing their birthmothers and that this loss needs to be grieved. Where I part ways with the author is when she describes a number of aftereffects that sound very much like attachment issues and then applies them to all adoptees. I also disagree with the hopelessness and fatalistic view that permeates the book.

Whether you believe in the “primal wound” theory or not, we adoptive parents want to help our children work through their issues surrounding their adoption. For some adoptees, adoption issues seem to be a mere bump in the road while, for other adoptees, these issues can derail their lives for years. What can we, as adoptive parents, do to help our children be more resilient?

1. Talk with your child about his adoption issues.

Talking about the things that bother you is very healing. Let your child know that he can always come to you with any concerns about his adoption.

2. Help your child to grieve.

Western society is woefully uneducated about how and why to grieve. Research the grieving process, and walk your child through it. Encourage your child to express his emotions and face the pain head on.

3. Reassure your child how much you love him.

All children need at least one person in their lives who love and appreciate them for being the precious beings they are. While your love cannot prevent your child from feeling pain, it can do wonders for helping your child find a reason to work through the pain.

4. Get professional help, if needed.

A qualified child psychologist with experience in counseling adoptees can do wonders for helping your child to work through his adoption issues.

Just as I do not believe there is a gene preventing abuse survivors from becoming successful adults (see Is Resilience in Abused Adopted Child a Genetic Trait?), I do not believe there is a genetic factor that prevents a child from being able to work through and overcome his pain from his adoption history. I believe that each of us has the ability to thrive in life and make good choices, no matter what we have experienced in our lives. That ability does not come solely from our genetics or our environment: It comes from our spirits.

Related Topics:

• Resiliency and the Adopted Child


• Is Resilience in Abused Adopted Child a Genetic Trait?


• What Determines Resiliency in an Abused Adopted Child?

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