e-mail
Recently a reader sent me an email asking for advice regarding a failed adoption in which the reader still has physical custody of the child. May I first make it clear that I am not an adoption professional neither do have legal training. I do have 14 years of foster care experience, have adopted seven children, and mentored new foster and adoptive parents for many years. While I have strong feelings about adoption issues and freely share my advice, it probably isn’t what the reader or most adoptive families would expect to hear. A family involved in a failed adoption is hoping for a rescue to save them from the pain of loss. I know, because we have experienced it a few times.
“I am involved in a failed adoption but have power of attorney for this infant and she is still living with us. I know the tribal laws are very difficult and I know nothing about them but I’m wondering what rights if any I have and how to proceed in keeping this baby with our family. Mom has nowhere to live, is former drug user, no money, and no job, and no way to take care of this child. Please send me any info or knowledge you might have. Thanks”
I am not completely clear on the details based on this reader’s disclosure so my ideas involve some ifs and some generalized statements. Some Native American tribes allow their children to be adopted by families who are not tribal members, others do not. If this tribe is one that does not allow nonmembers to adopt their children then there is nothing this family can do if the tribe wants custody. While waiting for a court decision to relinquish custody may postpone the inevitable, it will not change the outcome. It will however, give you and the child more time to bond, thus increasing the heartbreak experienced by all. If you love this child, you would not want to subject her to that kind of heartbreak.
However, if you are seeking at this point to maintain power of attorney, that may be allowed, depending on the tribal affiliation. The mother may also be able to give you temporary guardianship, which sometimes last for 18 years if she cannot get her life on track. We were allowed to continue fostering a Native American child because both parents insisted that the child be here. We also complied with the requests of the tribe to attend NA cultural events such as powwows.
I am sure to hear a lot of opposition for this suggestion. I say this because I already had reader chew me out today for suggesting the foster parents help the birthparents and maintain contact. However, if I were in this reader’s shoes, I might ask the mom if she would like to come and stay with us. Obviously, she doesn’t have a support network, needs help finding a job, and a place to stay. Why not have her come to your house where all of the baby’s needs are already being met.
Who knows, she may see how happy the baby is there, how well she is cared for, and end up giving you permanent guardianship. You could be considered fictive kin such as a pseudo grandparent to the child if you are “parenting” the child’s mother. You would effectively be parenting her by housing, feeding, and helping her. You can also use this opportunity to display positive parenting skills for the birth mother. She may have never had a good example of mothering.
If she ends up getting a job, a home, and deciding to parent her child, then she would have learned some excellent parenting techniques from you. Who knows but your example and compassion may end up saving the child’s life by creating a better future for the child and her mother. If the mother takes custody of her child, tries to parent, and fails, hopefully, she would bring her back to you because you have shown such great love and mercy for her.
She may even allow you to maintain an aunt status and allow the child to spend weekends with you. That would give mom some free time and allow you to influence this child’s future. In the meantime if custody has not been legally requested by anyone, then keep quiet, keep parenting the child, follow through on medical care, and don’t rock any boats. I know this isn’t what you had in mind when you matched with this birth parent, but with love and God, all things are possible. Use love, respect, and kindness with this birthparent. In the end you can know in your heart that you did everything you could, to give this child a wonderful future.
Tribal Law Requires Active Assistance All Others Get Reasonable Assistance
Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2007
