Just reading about it is breaking my heart! I can't imagine handling it any better than you have.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. :0)

- Faith

Sometimes it is true that the Mom did not want the child. Two of my sons were told that they were the reason their moms had so many problems, and that the mom wished they hadn't been born. Unfortunately, this was told a number of times.

I pointed out the great number of things that had to have happened when they did and just how they did, so we could become a family. I told them that it seemed to me that there was a master plan, and no matter what, we were supposed to be together as family, and that I knew how lucky I was to have them. It seemed to help, but I wonder if kids ever get over such a negative message from their mom. John

Thanks for your comment, John. I will write a blog on the topic. We have a discussion going about this very topic on a message board -- how to handle inquiries when the birthmom really did not want the child. I like your response as well as some offered over there.

I am sooo grateful that this was not our situation. My son's birthmom really and truly WANTED him. She just was not in a position to parent him.

Take care,

- Faith

As an adoptee, I have a suggestion--especially for John--

Take them to a newborn unit in a hospital and let them see the babies. Ask them, do you think any one of these babies did anything wrong (or something like that...) All babies are precious and innocent. They are our most precious gift. It saddens me that not all adults understand that. I'm so glad that I have you!

When my youngest son's father committed suicide (he was 12), I was so grateful that I was an adoptee! Instead of focusing on my pain and anger, I was able to keep positive and repeat to him that he was the prize and that it saddened me that his father couldn't see that. Yes, it took several years of absorbing my son's rage, not reacting to it-- including insults to me, but, since he couldn't talk about his father's death, I looked as his rage as a vent to his pain. He trusted me enough to let out his pain a little at a time. Believe me it was very, very rough! But counselling didn't help because he didn't want to talk about the suicide. Instead he made the counsellor believe that I did not discipline him and that I was the bad parent. So when that didn't work--his councellor "fired" us as clients through a very hurtful letter--I looked to other ways to help him. I found a fantastic dojo that taught traditional Asian values. The black belts were police officers and military men. He loved it. When he messed up, we let the dojo deal with him. (The promoted non-violence and good grades as he now represented his dojo's reputation.) We also let him become an EMS cadet and assist on ambulances.

He is going to be 19 in a week and has grown into a most awesome young man. This past summer he finally talked about his dad. His insight and maturity was amazing!

Will your boys always carry that hurtful knowledge. yes. Does it have to cripple them? No. My son has been a purple belt in Karate and an EMS cadet since he was 14. He is now considering a career in one of the helping professions, in fact, he is considering a path toward becoming a presidential candidate. Just yesterday we talked about what he wants to take in college. For this moment its International Relations and Political Science. Whew! For years I worried that he would take the wrong path!

I am grateful that my own childhood taught me that sometimes the seeds we plant take years to grow. Take heart, your consistentcy and love are making a HUGE difference to your boys. Take big breaths and see the awesome loving hearts your children have even when they use you as the target!

Wow!! That is one powerful testimony!! I am glad that you were able to use your own experiences to help your son and that you never gave up on him.

Thank you for posting. :0)

- Faith