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One of my friends forwarded me a powerful post written by an adoptee named “IzzyMom” on her blog. The title of the post is What About MY Rights? I e-mailed IzzyMom and asked permission to quote from and discuss her post. Here was her response:
Please feel free to discuss my post and quote from it. People need to know that secrecy about adoption is never a good choice. – IzzyMom
I agree with IzzyMom that keeping the fact that a child was adopted a secret is never a good choice. It is a lie, pure and simple. To withhold such important information from your child is to lie by omission. I would imagine that you would need to lie overtly to maintain the secrecy each time your child had a question about your pregnancy or her birth.
Here are three reasons to tell the truth to your adopted child as shown by IzzyMom’s story:
1. The truth can come out when you least expect it.
IzzyMom’s adoptive parents chose not to tell her about her adoption. She found out about it when she saw an inscription on the back of a photograph of her father with his “adopted daughter.” What a way to have the truth come out! Her parents could have shared the truth in a way that did not set off a bomb in her life that nobody knew was coming.
2. Withholding the truth hurts your child.
We, as parents, want our children to know that we are on their side and that they can trust us. Lying about a child’s adoption hurts the child that we want to protect.
So I confronted my father over the phone and insisted he tell me everything. It was hard for both of us but in the end, I understood why he never told me and why my mom never told me when she was alive and I forgave them. – IzzyMom at What About MY Rights?
It sounds like the adoptive parents had their reasons for withholding the information, but this information still came out and ultimately wound up hurting their daughter. Instead of choosing the right time and way to tell their child delicate information, the adoptive father had to share delicate information on the heels of his daughter feeling betrayed and probably angry. There was no opportunity to cushion the blow.
3. It is wrong for other people in a child’s life to know more about his history than he does.
When you adopt, other people know that a child joined your family without your becoming pregnant. In order to keep the secret about your child joining your family through adoption, you must conspire with them against your child.
Of course I still feel very betrayed when I consider that well over a dozen people that were close to me knew this crucial information, including my sister. – IzzyMom at What About MY Rights?
I cannot imagine the level of betrayal that IzzyMom must have felt. I would not take it well if numerous people in my life kept an important secret like this from me about my own life.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
People have the right to know their history, even if the truth is painful.
It’s their history and there’s no shame in adoption, no reason why it should be hidden.
I agree. I can see where in some circumstances, such as a child being conceived by rape or incest, the adoptive parents might hesitate to share this information. However, I do believe it is an adult adoptee’s right to know about his past. Also, even in these situations, the adoptive parents can still share the fact that the child was adopted.
- Faith
Indeed. I saw a sad 20/20 show where a boy had been concieved through rape and the mother stated with her husband and he somehow knew and she had to tell him and it was deeply sad for him, but it’s still better to know the truth about things because not knowing and somehow finding out from nasty vicious people instead of from a trusted parent is worse. But they don’t need to know when they are very young though.
I’m glad that these days folks seem to want to be more truthful about things like adoption. I read about some Korean adoptees raised by Caucasins that were not told the truth! Same with African American adoptees! That’s so no logical and terrible for their sense of identity when they grow up.
I agree completely, our youngest daughter we adopted from birth and I was there for her delivery! I would say she was 3 (now 5) one of my foster grandchildren were talking about when they were in thier mommy’s bellie. My daughter ask me about when she was in my bellie, I told her that she did not come from my bellive that she came from another woman’s and gave her the name. It was not a very hard decsion to tell her the truth, but When she looked at me with tears in her eyes and stated why didn’t that woman love me and want me. It truly broke my heart but I simply told her what I truly believe and always will. That God had chosen this woman to have her for me. I also told her that the woman loved her enough to let us have her because, she was unable to parent a baby the way a baby needed to be care for. She was then satisfied with the answers that she received and very seldom speaks of it anymore. My brother was very angry with me when my daughter had told him what she had learned. He told me that I should never tell her that she was adopted(she has a very stong resemblance to her father and acts just as I do). I explained to him that this was her right to know and I always want her to know that she can trust me and come to me with anything. We share a very strong bond, my daughter and I. She is also multi-racial and knows that her birth father is of Latino decsent and she is very proud of her heritage.