One of my friends forwarded me a powerful post written by an adoptee named "IzzyMom" on her blog. The title of the post is What About MY Rights? I e-mailed IzzyMom and asked permission to quote from and discuss her post. Here was her response:

Please feel free to discuss my post and quote from it. People need to know that secrecy about adoption is never a good choice. - IzzyMom

I agree with IzzyMom that keeping the fact that a child was adopted a secret is never a good choice. It is a lie, pure and simple. To withhold such important information from your child is to lie by omission. I would imagine that you would need to lie overtly to maintain the secrecy each time your child had a question about your pregnancy or her birth.

Here are three reasons to tell the truth to your adopted child as shown by IzzyMom's story:

1. The truth can come out when you least expect it.

IzzyMom's adoptive parents chose not to tell her about her adoption. She found out about it when she saw an inscription on the back of a photograph of her father with his "adopted daughter." What a way to have the truth come out! Her parents could have shared the truth in a way that did not set off a bomb in her life that nobody knew was coming.

2. Withholding the truth hurts your child.

We, as parents, want our children to know that we are on their side and that they can trust us. Lying about a child's adoption hurts the child that we want to protect.

So I confronted my father over the phone and insisted he tell me everything. It was hard for both of us but in the end, I understood why he never told me and why my mom never told me when she was alive and I forgave them. – IzzyMom at What About MY Rights?

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It sounds like the adoptive parents had their reasons for withholding the information, but this information still came out and ultimately wound up hurting their daughter. Instead of choosing the right time and way to tell their child delicate information, the adoptive father had to share delicate information on the heels of his daughter feeling betrayed and probably angry. There was no opportunity to cushion the blow.

3. It is wrong for other people in a child's life to know more about his history than he does.

When you adopt, other people know that a child joined your family without your becoming pregnant. In order to keep the secret about your child joining your family through adoption, you must conspire with them against your child.

Of course I still feel very betrayed when I consider that well over a dozen people that were close to me knew this crucial information, including my sister. – IzzyMom at What About MY Rights?

I cannot imagine the level of betrayal that IzzyMom must have felt. I would not take it well if numerous people in my life kept an important secret like this from me about my own life.

Related Topics:

• When to Tell a Child about His Adoption



• Protecting Adopted Child’s Privacy Series

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt