Rape/Incest & Adopted Child: When Should I Tell?

For the past several days, I have been discussing how to handle talking with an adopted child who was conceived through rape or incest. Several readers have contacted me with questions that I did not cover in this series. My next three posts will respond to those questions.

One reader asked the following question:

What ages would be ideal for telling a child this information? We are thinking before the teenage years, but how early is too early and how late is too late?

I do not believe there is one “best” age for every child. I believe that this will come at a different time for each child and that, to a certain extent, you will need to trust your intuition to know when the time is right. Unfortunately, saying “trust your intuition” is not particularly helpful to some of you who, like me, prefer to have a “plan.” So, will provide some guidelines for how I would handle this situation.

I would not talk to a very young child about rape or incest. My son is six years old, and he does not even know what sex is yet. He has a vague concept that a married couple who is “all grown up, living in their own house, and paying all their own bills” can do a special type of cuddle to make a baby, but that is the extent of his knowledge on baby-making. Since he does not even understand what sex is, he is not ready to learn about forced sex at all, much less how it applies to his own conception. (I am using my son as an example. Fortunately, we will never have to have this conversation because this is not his history.)

So, to set a “floor,” I would not talk about conception by rape or incest with an adopted child who is not yet familiar with those terms. I would wait until the child is old enough to understand what both sex and rape are, and that would be a separate conversation from applying it to his own conception. Since my son is only six, it is hard for me to say what age is appropriate to have this discussion. (I welcome input from you experienced parents who have already discussed what rape is with your children.)

So, let’s say your child is already aware of what rape is. When do you provide the information that the child’s existence began with a rape?

I would follow my adult adoptee friend’s advice. She told me always to let my child set the pace for what he is ready to know about his history. She said to answer all questions honestly in an age-appropriate manner but only answer the questions asked. This gives the child the power to digest his adoption history at his own pace.

Let’s apply this advice to telling your child about being conceived by rape. It is unlikely that your child is going to say, “Hey, mom. Did my birthfather rape my birthmother?” However, your child is likely to have questions about his birthfather as he grows older, and the questions that he asks will likely open the door to invite this information.

For example, your child might ask what his birthfather was like. In the case of a stranger rape, you would say, “Your birthmother did not know your birthfather, so she was not able to tell me anything about him.” Your child might just walk away with this information to digest it for now, or he might move on to the next logical question: “How could my birthmother not know my birthfather?” This is when your child is ready to learn about his history in as gentle of a way as possible and in an age-appropriate manner.

I would never lie to your child, even if the child is too young to know the details. For example, if my six-year-old son asked me what his birthfather was like, I would say that I honestly do not know and leave it at that. However, if he asked me this question again at ten or twelve, and he already knew about sex, then I would gently broach the subject in answer to his questions.

I, personally, would not sit my child down to have this conversation at any particular age. I would wait until my child opens the door with questions about his history. That being said, I believe that we, as adoptive parents, need to invite questions periodically to communicate that it is okay to ask about the adoption.

If you have a child who is not that curious about his history, I believe it is okay not to share this information, even into adulthood. Then, if the child asks why you did not tell him before now, I would say, “Because you never asked. I have always let you set the pace for what you wanted to know about your history.” I do not see this as lying to the child: I see it as respecting his right to know his history at his own pace.

My one exception would be if your child’s history were common knowledge to the people in his life. I strongly advise against sharing sensitive information like this with others. See my Protecting Adopted Child’s Privacy Series on the Hoping to Adopt blog for more on this topic. If the people in your child’s life know this history, then you must share this information with him before another person does.

Related Topics:

• Adopted Child Conceived by Rape/Incest Series
• Rape/Incest & Adopted Child: Reasons to Tell
• Rape/Incest & Adopted Child: Issues to Consider if you Tell

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