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If your adopted child was conceived through rape or incest, should you tell him? Many people argue that an adopted child is entitled to know this information. Here are the reasons why:
1. An adoptee’s history is his own.
Many people argue that an adoptee is entitled to know the truth about his own life. No matter how ugly the truth might be, an adoptee’s right to know the truth outweighs well-meaning secrets. Nobody likes to feel like everyone around him knows more about his own history than he does.
2. Adoptive parents should never lie to an adopted child.
If you choose not to tell the adopted child the truth about his beginnings, then you will have to make something else up or embellish the truth to a certain extent. When I decided to adopt, an adult adoptee friend gave me a lot of advice about raising an adopted child. Her number one piece of advice was never to lie to your child. She told me about how devastating it can be for an adoptee to discover that her adoptive parents have lied or withheld truths from her.
Also, fostering trust means being trustworthy. When we lie to our children, we erect barriers to emotional intimacy. When the child finds out that we have lied, this can damage the relationship.
3. Telling the truth casts the birthmother in a better light.
When you tell your adopted child the truth about how he was conceived, you give him the opportunity to see what an amazing birthmother he has. It takes an enormous amount of strength to survive a rape, a resulting pregnancy, and an adoption. The alternative is to make the birthmother look like she was promiscuous, especially in the case of a stranger rape: Telling the child that his birthmother did not know his birthfather casts a negative light on his birthmother’s values unless you share that the conception was through rape.
4. Telling the truth spares the child the pain of discovering the truth on his own.
If you choose to keep this information a secret, then the adoptee might discover it on his own if he chooses to search for his birth family. Hearing the truth from you, his loving parents, can cushion the blow. Hearing the truth from a stranger, coupled with knowing that his parents hid this from him, can set an adoptee up for an emotional tailspin.
Related Topics:
- Adopted Child Conceived by Rape/Incest Series
- Adoptees Right to Know Adoption Information
- Book Review: Telling the Truth
- Assessing Health Risks: Incest; Rape
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