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For the past several days, I have been discussing how to handle talking with an adopted child who was conceived through rape or incest. Several readers have contacted me with questions that I did not cover in this series, and I am working my way through answering those questions.
One reader asked the following question:
Do you know of any online resources that discuss ways to talk to kids about rape, or that suggest any strategies or suggested language we could use?
I did some Internet research, expecting to find many resources and only found one. I searched amazon.com for books on the subject and came up empty. I am shocked that there are so few resources on this subject because it is such an important topic, and pregnancy by rape or incest is not uncommon.
The good news is that the one resource I found looks like a really good one. Stigma, Inc. is a website for people who were conceived by rape or incest. The site also welcomes adoptive parents who are raising children who were conceived by rape or incest. Here is a description that I have copied over from their site:
Stigma, Inc. is a not-for-profit organization dedicated to serving the needs of individuals conceived by rape and incest. To that end, it is our belief that the prevalence and incidence of rape/incest pregnancies should be addressed by treating all the individuals in the equation: individuals conceived by rape and incest, victims of rape, and the perpetrators themselves.
They offer the following resources for adoptive parents who are raising children conceived by rape or incest:
- Online support in the form of our members-only forums and chat sessions with therapists and other counseling providers.
- Training and informational literature about issues unique to raising a child conceived in rape or incest.
You have to apply for membership. Since I do not qualify for membership, I cannot check it out firsthand. However, the site seems very professional and set up in a manner similar to the way that other sites use to protect members who are discussing sensitive topics.
The site has an information page that provides several links to web resources, magazine/newspaper articles, books, and movies/videos. Through their information page, I found a good article called Talking with Children About Difficult History. It is not limited to race/incest conceptions, but it does cover this topic.
I have sent an e-mail to the site, inviting them to visit my blog and leave additional information in the comments. If they send me additional resources, I will post those as well.
Related Topics:
- Adopted Child Conceived by Rape/Incest Series
- Rape/Incest & Adopted Child: Reasons to Tell
- Rape/Incest & Adopted Child: Issues to Consider if you Tell
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Faith,
Thank you for referencing Stigma’s website and giving me the opportunity to explain more about our mission.
Mainly, Stigma links together individuals conceived by rape and incest. The basic premise is that a person who discovers s/he is rape or incest conceived will likely face many emotions, but may not feel, for many reasons, safe to voice them. Because the issue of rape itself is so stigmatized in society, being rape conceived is even more of a taboo topic. Further, the best means of support is meeting someone else who is going through the same thing, to normalize the situation a bit for the affected person. When I learned I was rape conceived, the dominant emotion I felt was loneliness. I thought there must be no one else like me! There are now hundreds of others I have met through the site, individuals conceived by rape, incest, and mothers/adoptive parents who are raising children conceived this way. Individuals conceived this way are NOT alone. Only when society accepts that we are living, breathing human beings, and not just some taboo subject to avoid, will we ever gain complete acceptance when we speak up about how we were conceived. Outside of how we were conceived, we are a very diverse lot. The common threads we share is how we were conceived, and that most would not know how we came into this world if we did not announce it.
I also tend to advocate for acceptance of our population by encouraging others not in this situation just to be conscious of the fact that we exist. I appreciate that you have developed a series on the topic. Concerned individuals can start to be aware of how they feel about rape/incest conceived individuals, and any misperceptions they may have (appearance, way of speaking, etc.)
Also, be aware of potentially damaging terminology. “Product” of rape/incest is, I feel, a somewhat derogatory term. Instead, consider using language like “person conceived by (rape/incest)”. Anything that works to separate us from the incident that brought us here is a good thing, because we are NOT the act that brought us here.
I have heard and read so many derogatory themes and images attached to people who are rape or incest conceived. Most of them, like other stereotypes, can be hurtful and unnecessary. Unfortunately, birthmothers and adoptive parents face stigmatization, too. “Why would you adopt a child conceived this way?” may be a common refrain, or comments about how “worried” they must be about the child they are raising. To my knowledge, there is no evidence that we who were conceived by rape will grow up to sexually offend…there is no “rapist gene”! Yet, people conceived by rape (and I agree with your excellent series on this issue, incest conception is little more than rape by a relative), may fear what genes we’ve been handed. Especially since, in many cases, we may not be able to research and find out who fathered us at all. Certainly, parenting an adopted child born under these circumstances takes patience, determination, and sensitivity…as does all parenting, I believe!
Adoptive parents are welcome to join our email list, which is open to birthmothers, rape and incest conceived individuals as well. We also have a chat room, with regular chat times for those who might be interested in this option. To join, or get in touch with me for any questions, comments, etc., please feel free to contact me: stigma@kc.rr.com.
Thank you so much for this information. Several readers contacted me about this topic, so I know that we have some readers who could use the support that your organization offers.
Take care,
- Faith