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If you choose to tell your adopted child that he was conceived through rape or incest, you will need to proceed with caution. This kind of information has the ability to set off an emotional explosion for your adopted child. Before discussing this information, consider the following issues:
1. Decide when to tell your child this information.
Rape and incest are difficult topics for adults to discuss, and they are even more complicated to discuss with a child. This is not information that you want to share with a young child. You will need to use your best judgment to decide when your child is old enough to understand and process this information. Trust your intuition about when your child is ready to handle knowing this history.
2. Emphasize that this history does not define your child.
One of the biggest risks of telling your child this history is that he might conclude that he is a “bad seed” and fear that he is “evil.” Give your child many reassurances that he is a good person and that his birthfather’s actions are not genetic. Let him know that even though the birthfather made a bad choice, you are so grateful that something as wonderful as your child came out of a bad situation.
I love the analogy of the water lily. The water lily’s roots are planted deep in the muck and mire at the bottom of a pond. The plant grows toward the sunlight until it reaches the surface of the pond, where its delicate flowers bring beauty to the world. The life of such beautiful flowers begins in the ugliness beneath the surface.
3. Talk about the strength and love of the child’s birthmother.
Only the most avid anti-abortionists would judge a woman for aborting a baby that was conceived through rape. The fact that a birthmother first endured such trauma and then chose to give the baby life speaks volumes about her character. Help the child focus on these wonderful qualities in his birthmother.
4. Find your child a therapist, if needed.
Working through adoption issues is hard enough. Making peace with being conceived through rape or incest makes this process significantly harder. You and your child do not have to do this alone. Seek out a qualified therapist with experience in counseling adoptees who were conceived through rape. A therapist can offer a neutral, third-party perspective that can help a child to talk through his concerns.
Related Topics:
- Adopted Child Conceived by Rape/Incest Series
- Rape/Incest & Adopted Child: Reasons to Tell
- Adoptees Right to Know Adoption Information
- Book Review: Telling the Truth
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