Given our focus today on this nation's tragedy of five years ago, I'd like to raise the question of the impact that the premature death of an adoptive parent may have on an adopted child. I have heard and read numerous statistics about the number of children who lost a parent in the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. The most consistent number I have seen is five thousand. It is almost impossible to fathom. Five thousand children lost a mother or father on that day. I am uncertain how many children lost both parents.

The loss of a parent has a profound affect on a child, no matter the age of the loss. The impact of loss of the first parent(s) is a central issue that is given a lot of discussion in adoption circles. Secondary loss, that of an adoptive parent, is sometimes discussed as it relates to divorce of adoptive parents. The obvious question that comes to mind is how the loss of two significant persons in an adopted child's life impacts trust. The same question comes to mind when an adopted child is crushed by the premature death of an adoptive parent.

Here is a link that can be found at www.adoption.com that reports on the adult lives of famous adoptees whose adopted parents died prematurely. The followups don't delve into any kind of detail regarding practical aspects of coping with the grief and how the secondary loss may, or may not, have related to the initial loss of the first parents. Instead, it merely offers a "where are they and what are they doing now" look at things. The information provided allows us only to speculate about the total impact over the lifespan of the individuals discussed.

No parent wants to imagine how his or her child's life would be affected if the parent were to die. I would certainly hope that my children would be embraced by loving family and friends and supported in every way possible to move on with their lives. I have absolute confidence in my husband's ability to soldier on in my absence to raise our three children to be healthy, happy, loving, adults. But there is one thing that I want to do with my daughters when they are adults that, from my perspective, only I can do in the way it needs to be done. One thing, that I don't feel even my husband would be able to do "the right way" without my presence. That is...The Search and Reunion. Perhaps I am selling him short. I don't mean to. There is just something about the idea of search and reunion with my daughters' first mother that I feel is a mommy thing, with my husband somehow playing a fringe role. If I am not there to be a part of it, it seems to me that an extra layer of grief specific to adoption would need to be negotiated by my daughters.

That's not to diminish the signicance of the secondary loss my daughters would experience if my husband were to die prematurely. I have already seen him in my mind's eye giving each of them away on their wedding day. An act that may, or may not, be especially significant given the lack of information we have about their first dad.

As with most serious topics involving adoption and parenting, there are more questions than answers. When I think about the potential ramifications that premature death of a parent can have on an adopted child, it makes me particularly motivated to honestly confront any underlying issues of grief and loss related to my children's first parents as best I can.