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When my adopted child was just a few weeks old, I founded a neighborhood playgroup. None of the women in the playgroup knew one another before the playgroup started, but we became fast friends as we navigated the unknown waters of parenthood together. We had over ten babies in the neighborhood, all born within a few months of one another, so we were able to help one another learn the ropes of parenting.
My son was the only baby in the playgroup to join the family through adoption. As babies and toddlers, the fact that he joined our family through adoption did not make much of a difference. However, things could get a little uncomfortable for me as the conversation inevitably turned to pregnancy, labor, and delivery stories in the early months. I had nothing to share, so I mostly sat there quietly and listened to these women talk about a life experience that I would never know.
Some of my friend insisted that there were no differences whatsoever due to my son’s adoption. I had to disagree. None of them was writing “Dear Birthmother” letters every other month to the woman who bore her child, was legally the foster parent rather than the mother for five months, or had to file numerous papers with the court in order to become her child’s mother.
One of the women in the playgroup was a mother of twins. Even though I did not have twins, we bonded because our situations were different from the other women in the group. While much of our first few years of parenthood was the same, there were very important differences, and not everyone appreciated those differences. We validated each other that, yes, our experiences were different, but they were not “better” or “worse” than anyone else’s experience.
The women in the group were curious about my son’s adoption, so I had the opportunity to educate them. They were also the ones who came to my son’s “Forever Family” party to celebrate after his adoption was finalized. So, even though our experiences had some differences, these women were the ones who offered me the most support during my early years of parenting, and I will always be grateful for their friendships.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
