As I have gone along in my years of parenting, there are certain things that just don’t push my buttons anymore. If my kids are running around getting ready for school in the morning and can’t find their papers or other things they need, I continue to eat my cereal.

If you read my blogs on the Foster Adoption blogs, you know that I am a big fan of Love & Logic. I give the “units of concern” to my kids. They own them.

What are “units of concern”? This establishes who is concerned about the problem. If your child calls you from school because he forgot his lunch or his assignment, and you race to school with the forgotten item, whose problem is it? The child has made it your problem. I let my kids take the consequences of their actions.

One discussion we had recently with our son is that sometimes we let our kids make mistakes while the lessons are small. I let my kids forget assignments. I let them blow their allowance the first day on a bunch of candy. I DON’T let them run out into traffic. These are lessons that it is OK for them to learn on their own.

There are few things that Hannah can do to push my buttons, because I had so many years of battles and much more severe behavior from Sammy.

So what can you do to prevent some battles?

Offer your kids choices – Would you like to wear your blue dress or your red dress today? Would you like to take the trash out before dinner or after dinner? The Love & Logic rule of thumb is to offer your child two choices you can live with. If they are unable or unwilling to choose, then you make the choice. They are still doing what YOU want them to do, but they feel a sense of control by being able to make a choice.

Ignore behaviors – Hannah is a drama queen and when I react to her behaviors, they get worse. Yes, it is hard to ignore the behaviors sometimes. If you can’t handle the crying or screaming, crank up the music and dance while your child screams.

Rate the behaviors – This take the power out of the drama. I have done this with my own kids and with other people’s kids, even with people I don’t know. It makes things fun. We had a child who was pitching a fit at our church picnic while standing in line for food. I saw his mom was frustrated, so I looked at him and told him he wasn’t having a very good fit. It stopped him in his tracks. He had no idea how to respond to that. I gave him instructions on how to have a better fit and he stopped all of his behaviors.

Be creative, and remember to put the units of concern on your child. As long as it is your problem, there is no motivation for your child to make any changes.

See Foster Cline present a full day on Love & Logic parentings at the Attachment & Trauma Network conference on August 1, 2007.

99 Ways to Drive Your Child Sane

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