As adoptive parents, we must embrace ALL of the history so integral to our adopted child.

All people, but particularly many adopted children, tend to categorize their lives. One therapist we use is constantly working with the kids on “parts”. There is a mad part, a happy part, an angry part. There is a part that longs for happy life with their birth family. There is a part that is sad to be adopted and a part that is happy to be adopted. The listing of all of our “parts” could go on for pages and pages.

The important thing is that these parts somehow integrate. The brain and the heart must come to acceptance of ALL of the parts. It must become okay to have all of the feelings and parts, even all of them at one time. That ability to combine proves difficult even for those of us who have emotional health. For those perhaps struggling, it’s a monumental task.

How can we help our children?? One of the most valuable ways is to embrace their birth history and their birth families. This can perhaps be less difficult – but just as important – if you have adopted your child at birth and with permission of the birth parents. To embrace their birth family in this situation when you have much respect for the parents or their choices or decisions for their beloved child’s life, may or may not be easy. Simplicity aside, it must be done for the emotional well being of our children.

The child needs a way to integrate into their mindset that they are blessed to have two sets of parents. For some adoptive parents I’ve met, this can be a sacrifice. What if the child decides he’d rather live with his birth parents? What if the child uses this information against his adoptive parents somehow? We don’t like to put words to it, but what if the child loves the birth parents more than the adoptive parents? All of these are legitimate fears and even somewhat common.

Still, we need to strive to give our children the blessing of accepting not only their birth parents, but of giving the child permission and encouragement to love the birth parents. If both of those feelings exist for our children, spoken or still not put into words, integration of both is a key to success for the child and for our family.

Some situations are much less cut and dried. In trickier situations, including abuse, is this kind of integration still as important??