e-mail
One of the criticisms I’ve heard within the adoptive parent portion of the triad, is that open adoptions are “confusing” to the child somehow. For example:
* Having two mommies and/or two daddies
* Along with the above, which is the “real” parent?
* Birth parents will want to “co-parent” and thus “diminish” the authority of the adoptive parent
We have an open adoption. We routinely send pictures to our children’s birth family. We talk to them on the phone. We mark special occasions with cards, presents, and/or calls. We send frequent e-mails.
One such case was today. Yesterday, I shared that I received a lovely e-mail from the kids’ aunt with a link to her online photo album. The kids got to view the pictures today. I pointed out “Momma ____” in the pictures and my youngest gleefully said, “Momma ____! That’s my Mommy!” And guess what I said? “Yes, that is your Momma!”
Fact.
She is their biological mother. Both of my children were conceived in her womb, nurtured there lovingly for nine months, and cared for after complicated deliveries that she bore the pain of. I cannot, nor will I, take that from her. It is a fact.
Prior to viewing the pictures this morning, both of my children called me Mama. While viewing the pictures they called me Mama. All afternoon they called me Mama. They were not one whit confused. Why? Because there is nothing confusing about fact.
I’ve blogged about growing up bi-racial in the 70’s and having to “choose” which race I was on official forms with check boxes. I hated it because I am both races equally. Fact. Both races make up the unique person that I am. Fact. I cannot be “me” without both, equally. Fact. So it is with my children and their two families, both birth and adoptive.
My oldest was not quite three when he developed autoimmune Type 1 diabetes mellitus. He does not remember a time when he did not have the condition. It has never been presented to him as something “bad” (subjective label), or something to fear. He does know it is a health condition. He does know he needs to do a few things that his friends do not. It has never been presented to him in any other way than, “Hey, this is what is normal for our family.” Just as some of his friends go to church, some don’t. Some of his friends are traditionally schooled, some are homeschooled as he is. Some children were born into the families they currently live in, some were adopted. Some families speak only one language, some speak two or more (and in those households the kids fluidly move from one language to the other without difficulty provided they consistently have opportunities to speak both – do you see where I am going with this?).
It’s all in how you present it.
In our family, it’s utterly normal to have a Momma who had you in her tummy and a Mama that you live with every day.
It’s all in how you present it.
Though we have nothing on paper “legislating” that we have an open adoption, for our family we feel it is the moral, ethical and emotionally healthy thing for us to do. Are the kids in contact with all of their birth family? No. And there are really compelling reasons why. However, when there are no barriers in terms of safety or other legitimate reasons, an open adoption is a healthy thing.
I can’t speak for every adoptive family in an open adoption. I can only speak to my experience. I know there can be extenuating circumstances and generally write with those caveats in mind. In our case, having an open adoption has not presented any confusion for the kids, and has been a very healthy situation for them.
People think I’m a crazy person because I’m not concerned about the kids calling their birth mother, Momma. People also think I’m a little cuckoo for having an open adoption; for having adopted two at the same time; for a lot of things. But, I’ll tell you this: there is one very happy, very grateful first family that completely appreciate my “craziness” and never cease to tell me how much they love us because they have regained a part of their family they thought was lost to them when their children entered foster care. That alone makes it worth it; but even sweeter is the thought that one day, when my kids are a lot older, they, too, will appreciate my kind of “crazy.”
Hi – I’m an adoptive mom that just joined in here. We have open adoptions with both our children and now that my son is almost 6 years old, his curiosity about where he came from is growing. I’m thankful that we’ve talked about his birth family (well, birth mom and her family) openly all this time. We call her by her first name as we would a close friend. Or I refer to her as his birth mom and I don’t think he’s ever been confused that he has two mommies, just one mommy that took care of him before he was born and another that is taking care of him now and always. Birth mom will always love him too, but wanted him to be in our family for many reasons.
Like you, many of our friends and family weren’t familiar with the choice of open adoption and still are a little skeptical at times. But I believe it’s healthy and makes children feel secure. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Thank *you* for sharing as well! Glad you are enjoying the multiple benefits an open adoption provides!
M.
I am so glad I came across this post of yours. I’m a birth parent–gave birth on May 20th so I’m still in the early stages of it all. Lately I keep thinking about “What will they have my son call us? Will they be okay with a ‘momma’ type thing or not?”
Oh and I also get people asking me how I could place my son in an open adoption and why someone would ever want to be an adoptive parent in an open one.
Anyway, I am just happy I came across your post. Thank you.
Hi I am an adopted child and also a birth mother of twin boys. I had an open adoption for the boys and so far it works great. The twins are 4 and a half years old and live about 50 miles fro where I live. I dont know how I would feel about them calling me mom, because I think of myself as their oven and their adopted mom as their mom. Were playing it by ear. The adoptive parents and I work hard at having a trusting and loving relationship. I do not know anything about my birth mother except for non-identifing info. I wanted to there for the boys in case of anything medical they may need. I think open adoption is a great thing as long as everyone involved puts what is best for the child ahead of what they want or need. Sincerely, Littletwig
Thanks for chiming in, Littlewig! Hope it continues to be a positive relationship!
Thanks for sharing, Nikkole! It’s early days yet for you, but I hope it continues on as it has started! It can be such a wonderful thing!
Marie, I applaud you on your blog! THANK YOU! I can relate to your sort of ‘crazy’ and think it’s the best.
I am not only the adoptive mom to my son, I am his Mommy and he has one Daddy. We are all blessed to have both of his birth parents and their families in our lives. His bmom is Mo, and we call her Momo (like Mom, with the extra love). She is motherly to him in her actions and words, loves him completely and is a member of our family. She almost died to bring him into the world for my husband and I. His bdad is the same. We see them every couple of weeks, send emails/texts and call. We wouldn’t have our adoption any other way because we see this as the best plan for our son-no secrets, nothing/no one to hide or be ashamed of. We want him to be loved by as many people as possible so he is secure in who he becomes.
Awesome, Calsmom! How excellent! Sounds like you are enjoying the same blessings we are! Congrats to you & best wishes for its continuation!
Most individuals still don’t realize that they need to get past their own fears about open adoptions. Our son is turning 5 years old this year, we have an open adoption, we were at teh hospital when he was 2 days old. He knows he didn’t grown in my tummy and who’s tummy he grew in. We don’t call her mom, just by her name, one day he can choose or we’ll encourage to address her in a different way. We see the b-mom and her family at all special ocassions ie his b-day, xmas. We correspond through e mail, pictures and a few yearly visits as we live not close by. We adopted our daughter this year through a CAS agency, she was 2 1/2 and we won’t have an open adoption with her b-family due to some serious concerns but I hope growing up she doesn’t feel “ripped off” that we do have an open adoption with our son’s b-mom, we worry about this a lot. If we were blessed with another adoption we would defiantely choose an open one, I also know and realize not everyone has a good experience. Just keep an open mind and don’t be judgemental that’s my #1 advice.
God bless you all
Sandra