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One of the first rules of writing is write what you know. Yesterday, I wrote about parenting in a closed adoption because that is what I know. My thoughts about open adoption are built mostly around my fantasy of what it might be like, not the reality, because I don’t know the reality.
It has been helpful for me to read and learn about open adoption from the true experts, like Maja and Ellen, our top notch bloggers on birthparents and open adoption.
In many ways I am jealous of adoptive mothers who choose open adoption and do so successfully. My fantasy is that they are brave and forward thinking women; that they are not fraidy cats; and, they are not selfish. On each of those points I miss the mark in some way. Choosing open adoption does not make a woman a better mother or a more loving mother than those who choose closed adoption. Open adoption does not automatically make a woman a candidate for sainthood. It just makes her a really good mother, who like any other mother, is doing what she believes is best for her childr.
Mothers who choose open adoption are able to not only see the big picture, but, to look at it without flinching. When I looked at the big picture of open adoption I near’bout (pardon my lapse into Texas speak) jumped out of my skin. Like a kid at a scarey movie I still wanted to “watch”, however, and to move forward with my decision to adopt. So, I chose the route that was best for me, a closed adoption.
I admire women who choose open adoption because they don’t just talk about honoring and respecting their child’s birthparents. They don’t just talk about appreciating their child’s adoptive parents. They walk the walk in a way that is impressive.
Here is a lovely article that discusses various aspects of a successful open adoption. Also, I found this article that summarizes the findings of a longitudinal study on the effects of open adoption on birthmothers.
It probably should not come as a surprise that open adoption has a positive impact on a birthmother’s adjustment to adoption. I have learned, however, from my reading here at Adoption.com that it can still be a pretty tough emotional adjustment for birthmothers. In some instances it may require more support than initially realized. See this article for a realistic perspective on a birth mother’s adjustment to open adoption.
I am still learning and growing as a mother and as an adoptive mother. I’ve written before that I try, though not always successfully, to understand and respect the opinions, circumstances, and feelings of others. When I write that I admire and respect mothers who choose open adoption I genuinely mean it. I wonder though if there is anything about my choice that a mother in an open adoption could find to respect or admire.
I can think of lots of things to admire,primarily your candor,insight and sensitivity.Sometimes people have situations where open adoption just is not going to happen.For example,there are circumstances where birthparents have so many serious problems,that they are incapable of holding up their end of the deal. These typically are birthparents who have serious mental health problems,or are addicted to alchohol/drugs.The open adoption won’t work, not because they are “bad” people but because they don’t have healthy relationships with much of anyone.
I should add that many adoptive parents “grow into” open adoptions. Many times,these “grow into” type situations,turn out wonderfully well for all concerned.
So,Dr. G.,as we all fumble around trying to understand the complexities of adoption,your attitude of openess will take you a long way with your daughters!
Oh Ellen, thank you. Thank you so much. From your mouth to God’s ear.
I really liked your last question or “wondering” of your post.
I too have two adopted children which are both closed adoptions(by choice of each of their birthmoms). My husband was adopted and his adoption was closed as well(he reunited with his birthmom about 6 years ago). His adoption truly posed no emotional issues with him – he is one of the most stable people I know.
I would say that honestly we were initially leary about open adoption when we started our first adoption, but after meeting our first son’s birthmom we would have for sure had a relationship with her if she had wanted that. As we work on our third adoption, we are willing to consider open adoption, however we will make decisions about openness once we can judge the set of circumstances.
I too have been learning alot about open adoptions from the adoptive mom and birthmom bloggers here. I think the two striking things for me have been how in reality it can be very difficult for birthmoms (I think my original assumption was that open adoption was really most beneficial for the birthmoms-it was more of a “win” for them). I have also really been touched by adoptive families that make open adoption work and have genuine, meaningful relationships with birthmoms. I think the other thing that is very disturbing is the idea that adoptive parents have used open adoption as a carrot for birthmoms. I have a pretty honest heart and something like that had not even come up on my radar before.
Having said that, like you I have enjoyed being able to be “selfish” and maybe not feel obligated to another “extended” family member (although I suspect that in a real genuine open adoption, any obligation to a birthmom turns into a real friendship/kinship – something you want, not feel like you have to)
I still don’t agree that all adoptions should be open as some on the blogs promote. As with many issues with adoption, I think openness is on a continuum (sp?), every adoption is so unique.
Sorry I got a little winded – I have thoroughly enjoyed your honesty!
Dr. G., I too admire your candor and your willingness to listen and learn from others.
Closed adoptions are what I know best too, and I loathe the very concept. I have seen (and felt) the pain and harm that closed adoptions have wreaked on too many adoptees and birth families.
That being said, that doesn’t mean that I do not understand why some adoptive parents (and birth parents) want closed adoptions. I just wish more people understood the benefits of open adoptions for children (I feel a blog coming on!)
I also understand that many adoptive parents are afraid of open adoptions. We do not do nearly enough to educate parents about them and give them the tools to make them work. Ellen’s right – adoption is very complex – we do the best we can.
I’m glad you expanded on your thoughts with this post.
Open adoption isn’t easy for anyone involved. Really, it isn’t. I don’t think the people who try it are somehow more heroic than those in closed adoptions, just more willing to try something that can be scary and difficult at times. But the rewards for the child are worth it.
I also agree with Ellen’s point that very often, people grow into openness. They come to understand the need for it, discard some of their fears, and learn that they are capable of more than they thought they were. (I’m talking about both birth and adoptive parents here.)
Frankly you sound to me like someone who WOULD be good at it. I do understand all the common objections to it, though. I really do.
I’m glad the readers and commenters here are respectful enough not to jump down each others throats about this–so many cyber-places can be very judgemental!!
We are pretty new at the open adoption thing–Meg is now just 8 months old. So far, so good, and we really haven’t hit any snags yet.
And the more I read, the more I agree with “If you read one adoption story, than you’ve read one adoption story…” line of thinking.
I don’t think that closed adoption is selfish, and I don’t think that open adoption always means that you are less of a real parent (b/c of a birthfamily in the wings), or a better parent for being so giving or whatever else…..each situation is very unique, and just like we are “guided” in one way or another to create our families, I believe we are “guided” on the level of openess as well.
As an adoptive mom who has a relationshiop with my daughter’s birth mom by MY choice, I’ve been finding it more difficult than I thought to stay open and non-judgemental and stay in touch and care and not care about her bad life decisions. I’ve written about it a lot on my blog and I just find the whole process emotionally complicated for me…. Yet, I get in our case it is the best thing.. I like knowing who she is…..
Thanks for sharing your perspective Dr. G.