If you adopted an older child, your child might misbehave around the holidays. While most children get more excitable as the holidays approach, some older adopted children might become withdrawn or irritable. This behavior can baffle some adoptive parents because the holidays are generally seen as a time of joy for children.

Children who have experienced pain and/or trauma can react to Christmas much differently from other children. When the child sees the Christmas tree, she might be reminded of experiencing abuse at this time of year, possibly in front of another Christmas tree. The Christmas tree might trigger memories of having to fend for herself while her birthparents passed out drunk for the night. The child might remember not receiving very nice presents while in foster care. Christmas can trigger a number of painful memories for a child who has known pain at this time of year.

I read a sad story written by a former foster child about her Christmas experiences. She had trouble understanding why Santa always brought the foster parents' children "brand name" items while the foster kids always got the generic versions of the toys. Those children already had parents, and then they got the nicer presents, too. It sent the child a very sad message about her worth.

I know many adult survivors of childhood abuse who struggle during the holidays, even into adulthood. Instead of looking back on positive memories about this time of year, the holidays are a reminder of many years of deep pain. Christmas carols and feel-good holiday movies seem to mock those people's experiences.

Be sensitive to how your older adopted child reacts to Christmas. Even if he did not suffer abuse, he could feel sadness about being separated from the people he loved before he joined your home. Give your child the room to grieve, and talk with him about how he is feeling. Children who have been neglected or abused do not know how to express their emotions in a safe manner, so they need you to teach them how to do so.

Also, do not force the child to act joyful. The child needs to grieve the pain first before she will be able to build positive memories about Christmas. It might take your child several holiday seasons to begin to feel more positively about Christmas. I have been trying for years myself, and I am still not there.

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• Love Thursday- Too much Christmas



• Including Foster Children During the Holidays

Photo Credit: Lynda Bernhardt