When I originally developed the category Myths and Fantasies for my blog, I was recalling all of the statements I've heard expressed by parents who are fantasizing about growing their family through adoption. I try to be careful not to judge anyone's reasons for expanding their families in whatever way they choose to do so. Usually, people add to their families by choice simply because they want do. I don't know if that is to be considered a so-called good reason or not. But, fundamentally that is why people choose to have children in the first place and it is why they choose to have more children.

I don't know if adoptive parents are any more prone to fanciful thinking about what their family experience is going to be like than other parents. I think most new parents are greeted with a reality checking wake-up call (no pun intended) fairly early on in the parenting process. At some point in the daily grind of parenting, when the euphoria has dissipated and there are no bells and whistles it settles in, "Oh. This is what everybody was talking about." I think most new parents adjust to this reality fairly easily. But, I think there are some fantasies about adoption that might make the adjustment a little more difficult for some (not all) adoptive parents.

Unfortunately, I have worked with a significant number of adoptive families that were near the breaking point because of child behavior problems (some attachment based, others not) in which the adoptive parents were genuinely perplexed and resentful that their child, or children, were not "grateful" for having been adopted. Usually, upon exploring this line of thought, almost to a person, these parents went into adoption with the fantasy that they were "doing the child a favor." Here is where I think the adoptive parent fantasies can be qualitatively different from the fantasies of a biological parent.

I can't ever recall a time when I've heard a biological parent say that they felt that they were doing their child a favor by having them. Of course, biological parents who bend over backwards for their children become angry and hurt if their child demonstrates obnoxious and selfish behavior. Still, that is not the same as actually having a baby to do him or her a favor. I can not count the number of times that I've heard an adoptive parent, or a parent fantasizing about adoption express what I call the parenting as charity work sentiment.

I think this is a topic worth exploring in great detail, because I believe if discussed honestly, it might offer some insight into a dynamic that is unique to adoptive families. By doing so, perhaps the parenting as charity fantasy can be revealed for what it is and replaced with a more realistic perspective. It would seem that could go a long way in reducing, if not preventing, a lot of pain and heartache and resentment for some adoptive families.