All children go through emotional growth periods where they seem to have a deeper understanding of the world around them and their place in it. You can see it when your toddler begins to feel safe in playing 10 feet away, and then in the next room. Adopted children go through these emotional growth periods in their understanding of their adoption, and what the adoption means to them personally. In an open adoption, you may begin talking about birthparents, and visiting them as you leave the hospital. A toddler cannot completely understand about adoption or birthparents. However, there comes a time, as the child matures, when a light turns on and the child suddenly, gets it. You will recognize these stages because there will be many questions about birthparents. You or the birthparents have answered many of these questions previously, so they may surprise you. However, at the time you gave the information, the child didn’t really understand all of the ramifications. These periods of emotional growth and understanding about adoption seem to occur around eight years old and early teens.

I found it slightly ironic that when an adoptive parent commented on one of Jenna’s blogs, she mentioned that when her son, now two, turned eight, he might want to live with his birthparent. Here is her comment about her son.

I can't say how I would react if he was 8 and wanted to go live with her because he is only 2 right now.

I say I found it slightly ironic because that is exactly how old my friend’s daughter was when she informed her parents that she needed to go and live with her birthmother. Her birthmother lived in another state, but would frequently come and stay in the family home for a week or two. She exchanged regular phone calls and letters from the day they left the hospital. Everything was wonderful.

Then the birthmother turned 30. She had set a goal of being married and having more children to raise herself by then, but that didn’t happen. Of course, that caused her to enter into a severe depression and her phone calls and letters stopped. The eight-year-old felt compelled to rescue her birthmother and entered into about a year of emotional confusion. She would tell her adoptive mother that she hated her, but would become distraught when she was away from her. It was a difficult time, but her adoptive parents kept reaffirming their love for her and they made it through.

The told their daughter that her birthmother had chosen them to raise her. They were her legal parents and she could not go and live with her birthmother. They told her that they were chosen because her birthmother wanted her daughter raised in a two-parent Christian home. She was testing their love and commitment to her, and they passed the test. Remember to be loving, yet firm, and set boundaries, when dealing with these difficult issues.



Photo Credit: 2006 Julia Fuller.