Making your adopted child love you

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on adopted children who reject their adoptive parents. I just now ran across this article that I wish I had included in that post. I don’t know that the content is particularly earth shattering, but it is informative. One of the statements gave me pause:

When my husband and I adopted our children in the state of Massachusetts through the Department of Social Services, one of the many morsels of advice given to the pre-adoptive parent(s) is that you must not expect instant love from your child; that there will be rejection, and no matter what, know that it is not about the kind of parent you are.

My daughters were still very young when we adopted them, and I have to say that I pushed forward aggressively with getting them to learn how to love us. I did not expect instant love (the noun), but, I did expect instant loving (the verb). I don’t know if that would have worked as well if they had been slightly older. Given their temperaments and the excellent match between us and them, I suspect that it would have worked out just fine.

A good friend of mine adopted children who were 11 and 13 and I suggested that she go against the “give them time to warm up” advice similar to that described above. I don’t think you have a whole lot of time left to develop a loving relationship with your children if you adopt them when they are already teenagers. As luck would have it, things have worked out fine for my friend and her children. Her daughter attempted to reject her, pulling the “I don’t even know you that well” card. But, my friend forged ahead and, now, from all apparent signs she has a beautiful and loving relationship with both children. They have their parent-child hassles, but nothing that is alarming. The most interesting thing is the way that they are able to work through their hassles within a loving atmosphere. While other problems may arise, there is never an issue of whether or not they all love one another.

I’m one of those oddballs who disagrees with the notion that you fall in love, or that love hits you, or happens to you, as if you have no control over it. I think you love, or not. I know that you cannot force a child to love you. I’m not suggesting that you do that. But, I do feel that you should strongly encourage a child who is joining the family to choose to love. To try it out. Practice.

Nancy Spoolstra, who writes on the Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog at www.adoptionblogs.com, makes the distinction between chemistry and love. I believe that when people talk about falling in love, and love at first site, and all that kind of stuff, they are really talking about chemistry. I agree that sometimes the chemistry might not be there between a parent and a child and by definition that could make loving difficult and for some maybe impossible. But, I still think that loving is a choice and completely within our control. Where adoptive parenting is concerned, that is a good thing!

Fortunately, for our family, the chemistry between us and the girls was incredible and so it was very easy for us to love them. I did everything possible to exploit that terrific chemistry to get them to love me back, quickly. I was very calculating and deliberate about it all. I guess to an outsider I probably looked and sounded like the Fatal Attraction equivalent of a stalker mom. “I’m going to love you, right now!” I would say to the girls after bathtime suddenly showering them with hugs and kisses and then snuggling with them. “And, nowwwww” I would add dramatically, “You gotta love me back!” and they quickly learned that meant they had to return some display of affection. Then we’d settle down to cuddle, and love. Sure enough, the girls bought it all, hook, line, and sinker. Zheez, I’m sitting here getting weepy just remembering back on all of that.

So, I say roll up your sleeves and love your child and do everything you can to get them to choose to love you back. It will make life so much easier and fun for everybody involved.

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