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One challenge in adoptive parenting is looking different from your adopted child. Whether your adopted child was born across the world or across the street, he might have very different physical features than you do. Even though the differences might not matter to you, other people will notice them and sometimes comment on them.
One change that has made the differences a little easier is an increase in transracial biological families. One of my good friends is Caucasian and married a man from India. Their child is (obviously) biracial, so my son looks much more like me than my friend’s son looks like her, even though she carried him in her body. I no longer assume that families grew by adoption just because the kids do not look like their mother.
However, I have seen people make a big deal out of families with child of a different race. I tried to talk my husband into adopting from China, but he told me that he did not want to experience what we saw at a Chinese restaurant. A Caucasian couple was eating dinner with an Asian toddler, and the waitress stood around gaping at this child the entire time the family was eating. It really was somewhat creepy.
It can also be frustrating when people ask questions about your child’s race, particularly when they do this right in front of the child. I have several friends who respond, “Human” when asked about the child’s race. Another good response when someone asks where your child got his red hair is, “From God.”
Even though I have dark hair and dark eyes while my son has blonde hair and blue eyes, people rarely assume that I adopted him. Most people just assume that he takes after his father (which he does – my son’s birthmother chose us in part because our physical features closely resemble my son’s birthparents’ physical features).
I have noticed that most people look for similarities when they see a family, and some of those similarities are mannerisms rather than physical features. My son says and does things in a certain way that reflect either my husband or me (or both). People see those reflected mannerisms and assume there is a biological link.
However, if your family is clearly transracial, you are going to get comments, no matter how many mannerisms your child reflects. Check out the Transracial Adoption blog for advice on handling people’s reactions to your family.
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