I recently sent out a form letter via email to our small group of family & friends. It stated that we were going back to basics so to speak with Livi and wanted to return to the Mama & Papa only meet needs concept. We did this in our early months home and we are planning to do it again for the time being. Recently I have been really lax with this and as a result I’m seeing anxious attachment behaviors. I’m guilty of thinking that because she is doing better in her attachment and because we have been home a certain amount of months that we can bend the rules and allow unlimited affection.

After all the Christmas gatherings she had terrible problems with her behavior which I attribute to over stimulation and the number of tall people meeting her needs and showering her with affection. Grandpa came to visit and after a harmless sitting on the lap before he was leaving, she had a really rough night filled with screams and anxiety, she kept saying “ No sit Grandpa”. To help Livi with permanence issues we wanted to be the ones to meet her needs and have family defer her to us. If she asks her Aunt for a cookie, then her aunt can say, “ Mama will give you a cookie?” I asked that they blow kisses, give pats on the back, sit next to her, hand shakes and high fives, but to avoid holding, kissing and feeding.

I know that this takes some effort and may not come naturally when you come from an affectionate family. I asked Family & Friends to support us with this and I went on to explain the difference in a PI child and a Homegrown child and how something as harmless as a lap sitting event can confuse and turn our daughters world upside down. Some Family members have brought up some valid concerns and questions regarding this limiting affection rule, they asked wont it do more harm than good? Wont she feel she is not loved by family? Why limit all the love around her? She needs to learn that families hug & kiss? She went without love for 16 months, why limit it now? And so on.

I can’t argue with those points. Those are excellent points, but her security and attachment to Mama & Papa is paramount and that has to be our priority. All I can say is that my gut is telling me that this is the best thing to do and that it isn’t a forever plan that I’m putting in place, its just for the time being. There are other ways to say hello and goodbye besides hugs & kisses. I don’t want family on eggshells; I wont chastise anyone if they do hug her. So what is your view…. How long do you limit affection? and how do you explain the process to Family?



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