Letting Go of Being a “Perfect” Adoptive Parent

Many adoptive parents struggle with feeling pressured to be a “perfect” adoptive parent. The adoptive home study does not help because it makes a hopeful adoptive parent feel like he has to prove that he will be perfect.

Unfortunately, our human condition makes this an impossible goal, which only sets us up for failure. No matter how hard you try, you will never be a “perfect” parent. You are going to yell at your child when you should not. You are going to make the wrong decision on a day when you are already feeling stressed out about other things that are going on in your life.

While many parents feel the pressure to be “perfect” parents, adoptive parents often feel this pressure to an even greater degree. Another woman or the state entrusted us with raising a precious child, so we feel like we owe it to the child and to his birthfamily to do a “perfect” job. If only that were possible, right?

I heard somewhere that there is no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a thousand ways to be a great one. So, I have modified my goal to be a “great” mother rather than a “perfect” one. I put a lot of thought and study into my parenting, and “great” or even “very good” is attainable. I have learned to stop judging my mistakes and instead look at the whole picture.

We cannot get by without making mistakes in our parenting, but we need to stop giving those mistakes more power than they have. One incident of raising your voice at your child does not overshadow the thousands of time that you hugged and cuddled with your child. How your child views your parenting will be from a big picture perspective, not based upon a handful of mistakes.

Also, I believe that there is value in allowing our children to see our mistakes. Our children are human, too, and they are going to make mistakes as well. If we could achieve perfection, we would make our children believe that they had to be perfect, too. And then, when they failed, they would have no role model for how to deal with failure.

Instead, when I make a parenting mistake, I try to model how my son should handle his own mistakes. I apologize to him when I am wrong, and I tell him that no matter what he ever says or does and no matter how I react, I will always love him. Instead of my son taking away that I treated him unfairly, he takes away a lesson in how to apologize, ask forgiveness, and reconcile. Even more importantly, he learns that people who love each other can have an argument but that their love is stronger than the friction. One argument does not mean that the relationship is over.

So, maybe it is okay that I am not a “perfect” parent after all. That sure takes the pressure off!

Related Topics:

• Parenting And Accountability
• Celebrate Motherhood

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