I'd never make it as a politician. Oh, I'm passionate enough about my views, but, I am one of those wimps who tries to (gasp!) understand and respect everybody's viewpoint; even when I adamantly disagree, even when I am aboslutely, one hundred percent, beyond a shadow of a doubt certain that I am the one who is right and they are totally wrong!

When it comes to parenting--adoptive, step, foster, biological, grand, whatever--I am convinced that by and large, most parents do not wake up in the morning trying to figure out how they can wreck their child's life. They just don't. They don't fall asleep at night thinking, "Oh goodie, I really made his/her life a living hell today. Oh joy. To start all over again in the morning."

No. I think most parents--adoptive, step, foster, biological, grand, whatever--parent their children with the fullest intent of loving them like their next breath and giving them the best they have to offer with every resource they have available to them. I really do honestly believe that.

Can some parents be misguided in their efforts? Well, sure they can. Can children be harmed when that happens? Absolutely. In my experience, parents who are at their wits end in raising their children have usually looked high and low for answers. They search the internet. They ask friends and relatives. They turn to their clergy. They pray. They chant. They meditate. They exercise. They go to psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and family therapists. They read book after book after book.

What they usually find is blame and guilt for not doing the parenting thing "the right way." When these parents manage to make it to my front door for professional assistance the first thing I do is assure them that I believe them when they tell me that no matter how it looks all they want is what is best for their child.

I align myself with the parent--first. I don't care if this is a parent who has chopped off a kid's hair for stealing. I don't care if this is a parent who has lost temporary custody of their child due to physical abuse. I don't care if this is a parent who constantly criticizes their child. I don't care. I don't launch into a lecture. It won't work. It serves no purpose. Instead, I listen. And I listen. And I listen some more.

I try to understand why they have made the parenting choices and decisions they have made. Usually, they are trying to achieve a positive outcome with their children. They want their children to experience all of the good things that life has to offer. It doesn't take much for them to agree that what they've been doing has not been working. So, I suggest to them that we just try something different and see if that works. Then we'll try something else, and something else.

I don't end up with magically changed and transformed parents. What I usually end up with is a different behavior, predicated upon the initial belief system. So. A parent who used to beat his four year old for spilling the juice, is not likely to end up displaying the kind patience and lovingly dismissive attitude about spills that I would like. Instead, he will learn to take a deep breath, count to ten, and probably remind the child with some irritation that he or she must try to be more careful. Yeah, it places stress on a four year old to try to be more careful with the juice. I've found that most of them can handle that. Especially when the previous response was a beating.

The parent who constantly criticizes his or her child is probably not going to suddenly turn into this mushy, nurturing, person who lavishes the child with warm-fuzzy feel good messages about every little thing. Not gonna happen. What I usually end up with is a parent who learns to keep her mouth shut when she has the overwhelming urge to go on a critical rant. In time that parent can learn to ask her child, "What do you think about (your choices, your decisions, your behvior)" to make her point that she didn't think they were all that hot. Not that the kid is going to give the answer the parent wants, but the parent's needs get met (registering the critical opinion) and the kid is more buffered against outright verbal abuse.

The world is not made up of t.v. sit-com parents. Even the ones who supposedly show the "real" side of parenting are just make-believe. It would be great if every parent was like the ones we see on t.v. But, most are not. Yes, I've seen some incredible parents out in public. The ones who never yell. Never spank. Always praise. Always guide their children with a loving and nurturing hand. I really do admire them. I'm just not one of them and I never will be. I bet you anything that we wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night with the same thing on our minds about our children, loving them.