Adoptive Parenting, Child Parenting - Insecurities about Adopted Child's Relationship with Birthparents

12/11/07

Insecurities about Adopted Child's Relationship with Birthparents

Posted by : Faith Allen in Adoptive Parenting Blog at 05:54 am , 527 words, 296 views
Categories: Insecurities

In my last post, Reasons to Tell Adopted Child About Adoption, I shared a link to an insightful post called What About MY Rights? that was written by an adoptee named IzzyMom. IzzyMom's post provides a lot of insight into the mind of an adult adoptee. I think that we adoptive parents can learn a lot from her post.

I have talked with adoptive parents who feel insecure about their adult adopted child seeking contact with his birthparents. I met one such woman on-line at an adoption message board where her insecurities were met with quite a bit of hostility. I reassured her that nobody could ever replace her as her son's mother. We wound up having numerous e-mail discussions as she worked through her feelings about her adult adopted son's process of reconnecting with his birthmother.

What this woman needed to hear was that she was not going to be replaced. She was not the babysitter who took care of her son until his birthmother came back into his life and replaced her as his mother. A mother is irreplaceable, and no amount of contact with anyone else can ever change the bond that you have with your child.

IzzyMom's post confirms this:

I know this is a hot button issue for a lot of people and I just want to say it’s not my intention to diminish the importance of adoptive parents. You are your child’s parents and you always will be. No birthparent or the knowledge of one can ever change that.
And for anyone who is wondering, though they are no longer with me [Faith's note – I believe they are deceased], I loved my adoptive parents with all my heart. Knowing of my adoption and meeting my birthparents could never change that for me, either. – IzzyMom at What About MY Rights?

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We do not need to lie to our children about their birthparents' existence to maintain a bond with our children. We share our children with other people who love them, such as grandparents, teachers, and family friends. As close as our children might become with any of these people, those relationships do not replace our parent-child bonds.

I confess that, early in our adoption, I had the same insecurities. However, as my bond with my son grew, I was able to lay those fears to rest. My son and I have a very strong relationship that is evident to everyone in our lives. Even my husband is somewhat jealous of how close my son and I are. Even if my son's birthmother reentered his life tomorrow, she would be another person to love him but would never be able to "replace" me. My son and I have a lifetime of shared memories that can never be replaced.

From what I have read of posts by birthmothers, they are not seeking to replace the adoptive parents: They just want to have a relationship with the child, too. We should not put our children into the position of having to choose between his birth and adoptive parents. There is enough love to go around.

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: shart1141 [Member]

I found out about my 13 year old daughter this past summer. Her mother never told me about her and worse, she was adopted in Indiana through a public notice adoption 10 years ago. (Unlike Ohio, Michigan and most other states, including where I and my daughter was born and now live, under Indiana law, the birth father does not have to be told about an adoptive if he does not know she was ever born.) Before my daughter was told it was me, her mom told her that I was never told about her being pregnant or being born. The adoptive dad did not want her to be told until she was 18. That could not happen because too many people in town know that I am her real father and never have said anything to me or my family because they assumed there was an agreement, given that she was adopted. I offerred to leave after I found out, but her mother said it was time for her to know who her real dad is. I guess she has asked why she has blonde hair and blue eyes. I am quite miffed by the entire situation. If she had not left the state or moved to a state that requires me to be told, I would have known about her much earlier. I never would have consented for her to be adopted. What I find interesting are the people who think it is wrong that she was told at age 13. I never signed any papers giving her away. The DNA test proved the fact that everyone sees. Another note, the adoptive father is an ex-felon, so stealing another man's child is easy, if one can steal another man's money. Finally, it appears that the mother and adoptive father are going to get a divorce. Whatever the adoptive father is feeling is not my problem. There are right ways and wrong ways to do adoptions. Knowingly and maliciously using an unscrupulous lawyer to facilitate a public notice adoption where the birth father is purposefully not informed created this situation. My daughter at the age of 13 is now in the situation of finding out that people and school friends who she has known for years are her relatives. What are my rights? I never signed away my daughter and never willfully abandoned her. (One has to know about a situation to willfully act on it.) The lawyers are going to have fun with this one after they are divorced. Bottomline: Indiana needs to change its adoption laws so a child can't be stolen from the birth father if the mother knows who the birth father is.

Permalink 12/14/07 @ 13:55