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Throughout this Adopted Child Conceived by Rape/Incest Series, I have been exploring the difficult issues surrounding whether or not to tell your adopted child that he was conceived by rape or incest. I combined the two topics because, in most cases, pregnancy resulting from incest was also through rape. The only difference is that a blood relative committed the rape. While most of the issues surrounding rape and incest are the same, some important differences need to be noted.
When a child is conceived through incestuous rape, one of the motivations for many birthmothers to choose adoption is to rescue the child from a similar life of abuse. Many young women who are victims of incestuous rape have no way to get out, especially when they are still minors. If a young woman in this situation chooses to parent, the same perpetrator who has raped her is very likely to take the same liberties with her child. Adoption is a loving way to save the child from enduring the same pain.
Some adoptees find great comfort in knowing that their birthmothers loved them enough to save them from a life of abuse. They may grieve for their birthmothers who endured such trauma, but they may also experience much relief in knowing that they were able to grow up in a safe household. It can also be a great comfort to know that the child was not placed for adoption because he was “unwanted.”
On the other hand, an adopted child might find it very disturbing to learn that his birthfather is also his birth grandfather. Incest jokes continue to abound, especially when slamming on rural Southern states, and those kinds of punch lines cover many of the fears that an adopted child might have when learning about his history. The child might fear that he cannot have children because they will be born disfigured due to the incest.
Before discussing incest with your child, be sure to arm yourself with the facts. Let the child know which health risks are real and which are not. From what I understand about incest, it can affect the child’s health because two blood-related parents run a greater risk of passing along two recessive genes for a variety of health issues. I do not believe that the child of a person who was conceived through incest is at a greater risk for health issues. However, be sure to talk to your child’s pediatrician about this.
Be sure to let your child know that sexual abuse is not hereditary: It is a learned behavior. Your child does not carry a “sex offender gene,” and he is not at risk for harming children just because of the actions of his birthfather. Reassure him that you love him and that the actions of his birthfather do not define who the child is.
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