At this very moment our son is in the middle of a very dramatic fit which, so far, has included begging, screaming, accusations, and the lovely “I’d be better off living in a dumpster.” The rage that flows from this child is astonishing.
Over the course of the weekend Z threw a record number of tantrums including one where he put his fist through his bedroom window. He is so angry and carries that anger with him every moment of every day. He is frustrated with his situation and he is afraid of what the future will bring. He cannot trust and he is fighting with all his might for control. Z has been through so much pain and so much uncertainty. He cannot self soothe and self control is out of the question.
The battle I have been facing as we try every angle with Z is how to control myself. There are moments where I, admittedly, want to knock my son into next week. He is the most frustrating person I have ever encountered. He makes it incredibly hard to attach to him, hard to love him. You can read all the books and listen to all the therapists but there comes a moment for each of us when a decision has to be made. We must reach within ourselves and dig deep for the self control that is necessary to maintain in the face of such a defiant child.
As I continue to deal with the trials of parenting Z, I am learning more and more about myself and my ability to cope with adversity. I know that there are others who have chosen a different path with Z and have caused him more pain. I know that in order for him to heal, I must endure his testing and be stronger than he is. I must not give in to my frustrations. Staying the course and learning to be resilient is the only thing that will help my child heal. If you find yourself in a similar spot, at the edge of your rope, please let our family be an encouragement to you. Know that you are not alone. Know that every moment that you hold on and keep caring for your difficult child is a moment that will bring him closer to healing.