How to Talk Your Adopted Child through “Real Mom” Comments

I knew it was inevitable for my adopted child to hear a comment about his adoption at some point in his childhood, but I was surprised when this started in kindergarten. My son was very upset after school one day because his friend had told him that I was not his “real mom.” How can a parent reassure her adopted child that he has a “real” family?

On another occasion, this same child in my son’s class said that my son “does not have a mom.” I was floored by this comment, even more so than the first, because I volunteer in my son’s classroom four days a week and read with all of the children. This kid knows that I am my son’s mom, so I was baffled why he would say such a thing.

Adoption is a difficult concept for many adults to wrap their heads around, so it should not surprise us when young children have trouble understanding it, too. Unfortunately, knowing this is an issue does not make it any easier when your child is very upset and questioning his role in his family.

Here are the things that worked for me in talking my son through these painful experiences:

1. Talk about adoption on a regular basis.

My son’s adoption is not a daily topic in our household, but we do talk about it from time to time. He knows his birthmother’s name and that she chose us to be his parents. So, I did not have to give him new information when he was in crisis. Instead, I was able to begin with, “Remember how I told you that T carried you in her tummy and chose Daddy and me to be your parents? That is what makes us your real parents.”

2. Present the facts in an age-appropriate manner.

My son asked why his friend would say that he does not have a mom. I told him that his friend is incorrect because my son actually has two moms who both love him while his friend only has one mom. To a six-year-old, having more of anything pretty much means you “win,” so he was very comforted by this. I stressed that both T and I love him very much, so he definitely has a mom.

3. Answer any questions truthfully and within the scope of what is asked.

I invited my son to ask me any questions about his adoption, and I answered his questions honestly. I was sure to answer any question as well as I could without going outside of the scope of what he asked. By doing this, I allowed him to solicit the information that he was ready to process without dumping more details on him than he needed.

4. Reassure your child how much he is loved.

A basic need of every child is to know that he is loved. Even if the child’s birthfamily is no longer in the child’s life, you can still reassure the child about how much you love him.

Related Topic:

“From God to My Birthmother to You”

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