Many adopted children struggle with Mother’s Day issues. Some of the reasons for various feelings have been discussed in other blogs.

We know that adopted children may act out. So, what should we do about it? What can we do to help the child and to help our family?

1. Be aware.

Knowledge is power. We’ve all heard that before. Even so, it’s true. Knowing that our child might act out, that this is a possibility, will make things seem less of a problem. Even if nothing else changes, other than our having advance knowledge, it can reduce the impact of disruptive behavior for ourselves, our child and our family. If we are aware of impending problems, it helps us to not feel overwhelmed or emotionally sideswiped when they happen.

2. Be prepared and proactive.

If we know in advance, we have an opportunity to prepare. Think about what sort of preparation might make this time easier for you. Let other family members and loved ones also know about this possibility so that they might be supportive rather than surprised or judgmental. Alter your celebration ideas. If you normally go to someone’s home for dinner, for instance, change that to a park or a smaller at-home celebration where not as many people would be bothered by certain behaviors. Plan simpler meals for Mother’s Day or surrounding times to allow less stress to be placed on you. Pre-arrange for respite breaks either during or after this time, to give you a chance to re-group after the difficult times.

3. Be understanding.

Take some time to think about “other mother issues” that might be affecting your child. Think about how he might be feeling. Try to understand. When you do, and if your child has an outburst, the understanding might alter the way you respond.

In my previous blog, I mentioned an incident with an adopted daughter. She had an outburst and pushed food and dishes on to the floor. It would have been easy for myself to be impulsive in my response, to yell or a similar response. It would have made some sense for me to immediately, yet calmly, remind her of a routine consequence. Perhaps to tell her something such as “You’ll have to clean that up. Then you can clean up the rest of the kitchen island and floor when you’re done, as well.” That wouldn’t have been a “wrong” response. Yet, she would likely have had more misbehavior and likely even refused the routine consequence. However, with having some understanding of what she might be feeling about her previous mother, I kept my mouth shut instead. Later, I helped her clean it up; we did it together. Most of the time, I would NOT have thought that to be an appropriate way to handle a child’s outburst. This time, it felt like the right thing to do. Since her outburst, at that time, stopped there and didn’t continue, it was probably a right thing to do. And it helped my daughter, but also the rest of the family.

It may not be possible to avoid problematic behaviors during the Mother's Day "season", but it might be possible to lessen their impact on our families. May your Mother's Day bring you some joy!

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