On my post Traumatized Adopted Child's Need to Purge Emotions, a reader posted the following comment:

Getting the kids to let it out seems to be the really difficult part. They have learned so well to keep the protective shield up, that it is very difficult to get past that. One of mine never did, and pays a price for that trapped anger. Any chance of a post of 'how to' in getting the child to start letting that trapped stuff out? Great post Faith. - John from Traumatized Adopted Child's Need to Purge Emotions

I have offered some advice in other posts, which are included in the Related Topics section at the bottom of this post, but I want to speak directly to John's question. Here are some things you can try:

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Most traumatized children were never taught healthy ways to process their emotions. In most cases, they were given the message that expressing emotions was "bad," so they worked hard to repress them. Show your child how you process your anger and grief in a healthy way. A good example is worth a thousand discussions.

2. Tell your child that it is okay to express emotions.

I used to be afraid to express anger whenever I had a conflict with someone I loved. I feared that any expression of anger would end the relationship. So, I wound up appearing to do what the other person wanted but then becoming bitter or passive aggressive. My therapist finally told me that it is okay, and even healthy, to disagree with somebody you love. You can get angry with another person but still come back together: A disagreement does not have to end a relationship.

For those of you who grew up in a healthy environment, this lesson might seem basic. To me, it was eye opening. I was afraid to express my true feelings for most of my life because I thought it meant that I would lose the relationship. I needed to be told that this is not the case.

3. Explain ways to process emotions.

Give the child specific tools he can use to process his emotions, such as punching or yelling into a pillow when angry or crying in his room when sad. When a child has repressed his emotions, he truly does not know how to express them. Many adult survivors of childhood abuse do not have the first clue about how to express their emotions safely, so they fear expressing them at all. The more tools you provide, the more likely the child is to embrace one of them.

As an adoptive parent, you must accept that you cannot choose emotional health for your child. "You can lead the horse to water, but you cannot make him drink." You might try all of these tools but still have a child who chooses to live in bondage to his past. Even if this happens, your efforts are not wasted. You are planting a seed that will hopefully produce fruit in the future.

Related Topics:

• How to Help an Abused Adopted Child Choose to Heal



• Teaching an Adopted Child Coping Skills

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