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My son’s adoption is a semi-open one. Unfortunately, his birthmother moved without leaving a forwarding address, so his adoption is now effectively closed. However, even without contact, there are still ways that I can encourage my son to see his birthmother in a positive light.
Before I get into the “how to’s,” let me share something my son said to me about his birthmother recently. He crawled into my bed to wake me up. I leaned over him and gave him a butterfly kiss. He asked what a butterfly kiss was and then made the following comment:
When I was first born…after I came out of T’s tummy…she took me outside, and a butterfly kissed me. That’s what it felt like.
I had not mentioned T in a few weeks, but this comment tells me that he has been thinking about her. His comment also tells me that his thoughts are positive because he is associating nice things like butterfly kisses with her. He has never seen a picture of her and has not seen her since he was two days old, and yet he fosters very positive feelings toward her. How can you accomplish this with your adopted child?
1. Talk about his birthmother on a regular basis.
My son’s birthmother is not a subject of conversation on a daily basis. However, I do mention her frequently enough for him to know who she is.
2. Use the birthmother’s name when you talk about her.
I used to say “your birthmother” when I talked about T, but that was confusing to my son when he was little. He had trouble understanding how he could have “another mother.” So, I started using her first name instead. I will use the term “birthmother” where appropriate, but any mention of her is by name.
3. Use your words and body language to communicate your own positive feelings.
Only a small amount of what we communicate is accomplished through words. The vast majority of our communication is through our body language. So, watch your body language when you talk about your child’s birthmother. If you become tense each time her name is mentioned, your child will pick up on this tension.
Whenever I talk about T, it is in a positive light. (Those of you who adopted abused or neglected children will have a much more difficult time doing this.) I tell my son how much T loves him and how she chose my husband and me to be my son’s parents. Even though he cannot fully grasp this concept at six, his comments about T show me that he is thinking about his adoption and, so far, seems to be doing so in a positive light.
4. Think positively about the birthmother yourself.
(Again – this step will be hard for those of you who adopted abused or neglected children.) If you are insecure about your child’s birthmother, you will communicate this insecurity to your child. The more comfortable you are, the more comfortable your child will feel.
Reaching this place is a process, and I did not always feel as comfortable about my son’s birthmother as I do now. It was nothing personal about her: She’s great! I had to come to terms with accepting that I was parenting a child who had “another mother.” Once I accepted, at a heart level, that she was no “threat” to my relationship with my son, I was able to let down my guard and fully embrace her in my heart as someone who also loves my kid. I believe this attitude has been communicated to my son, who is now growing to love a woman who he does not even remember.
Related Topic:
“From God to My Birthmother to You”
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