Adoptive Parenting, Child Parenting - How to Help an Abused Adopted Child Choose to Heal

10/05/07

How to Help an Abused Adopted Child Choose to Heal

Posted by : Faith Allen in Adoptive Parenting Blog at 05:34 am , 461 words, 145 views
Categories: Trauma

In my last post, Parenting Abused Adopted Child: How to Handle Unsupportive People, a reader posted the following comment:

It's not logical to expect children who have been through things children shouldn't go through to heal overnight, but it is true that they have to choose to heal. But how can someone convince them to choose to heal if healing hurts so much? – Chromesthesia from Parenting Abused Adopted Child: How to Handle Unsupportive People

Why would a child choose not to heal? The answer is simple: Healing hurts! The healing process is enormously painful. Children who have dissociated away the painful emotions of their past do not consciously feel those dissociated emotions on a conscious level. They go through life feeling numb and detached from their lives and from themselves.

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I used to get angry about having to choose between numbness and feeling very deep pain. What kind of choice is that? I had to reach a place where I believed feeling the pain was worth the payoff. Until a person believes that there will, in fact, be a payoff to enduring the pain, why would they choose to feel it? So, educating your child about the long-term benefits of choosing to heal is crucial.

I tell people that choosing to heal is an investment in their future. As painful as the healing process will be for a year or two, the payoff of living the remainder of your life in freedom is worth the pain today.

Introduce your child to people who have been through the healing process. Their lives speak for themselves. I have a friend who is in the throes of the healing process right now, and the most helpful thing I can do is to show her my life. She knew me before, during, and after I went through the same process, and she can see that my journey was worth the effort.

No matter how much you try to "sell" the benefits of healing to another person, some are going to reject the message. A rejection of the message today is not a rejection of the message forever. I was in my mid-thirties before I worked through the healing process. I needed to reach a place in my life where I felt safe and stable enough to face my past. So, try to remember that your efforts in loving an abused child are not wasted, even if they do not embrace your message today. You are planting a seed that, hopefully, will grow in the future.

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Chromesthesia [Member]

That makes total sense.
If I were to parent a traumatized child, that would take a lot of preperation on my part. It seems like it will involve a process that will cause a lot of people to make critical remarks like, "Why are you punishing that child, she's been through enough." or, "Aren't you going to punish him? Don't be too easy on that child."
I reckon following instincts and a lot of research will be involved and a maturity I don't have yet and won't have for years.

Permalink 10/05/07 @ 06:31

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

I am so impressed with your self-analysis and lack of self-judgment. You recognize your own strengths and weaknesses without feeling badly about them and recognizing with confidence how your weaknesses will grow to strengths over time. I am so impressed with your attitude. :0)

- Faith

Permalink 10/05/07 @ 07:43

Comment from: Chromesthesia [Member]

Thanks :o)

Permalink 10/05/07 @ 08:55

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