How to Handle “Not My Real Mom” Comments from Adopted Child

In my post, How to Talk Your Adopted Child through “Real Mom” Comments, I talked about ways to help your child handle comments from other people stating that the adopted child does not have a “real mom.” Another challenge adoptive families face is how to handle your adopted child turning this comment against you.

When my son’s kindergarten friend told my son that I was not his “real mom,” my son was very hurt. Instead of telling me that he was upset and why, he reacted by becoming very angry with me. As I was driving him home from school, he had a very bad attitude. I finally told him to knock it off or he would have a time out to his room when we got home. He told me that he did not have to do what I said because I was not his “real mom.” Boy did that hurt!

When you adopt a child, you know that this comment is coming at some point. I envisioned this comment being thrown in my face by an angry teenager, not by my sweet little five-year-old boy. I was taken aback, and I was hurt. How do you handle these painful words when they come?

1. Look for the insecurity behind the words.

These words came out of left field until I found out what happened at school. My son was not rejecting me: He was lashing out in anger because he was deeply hurt by another child telling him that I was not his “real mom.” When I was able to see his insecurity, I was able to let go of my own.

2. Make the situation about the child, not about you.

I am human, just like everyone else. My first reaction to hearing these words was deep pain and anger. I had spent over 5 years of my life tending to this child’s every need. How dare he tell me that I am not his real mother! It sure feels real at 3:00 a.m. when I am cleaning up his vomit or comforting him through a thunderstorm!

I needed to step back and look at the situation from my son’s perspective and not my own. What he was really saying was, “I am scared that you are not my real mom after all. Please reassure me that you are.”

3. Give yourself a “cooling off” period before addressing the issue.

When we got home, I needed a few minutes to “cool off.” I needed to take the time to push through my own pain before I could focus on what was going on with him. My son also needed time to process his own anger. Sometimes you and your child need to go to your own corners first, calm down, and then come back together to talk through the problem.

4. Reassure your child that you are his real mom.

Use some of the tools I provided in How to Talk Your Adopted Child through “Real Mom” Comments to reassure your child that you are a real family. Let him know that you always love him, no matter how he behaves. I have told my son numerous times that there is nothing that he can ever say or do to make me stop loving him.

Related Topics:

• The Adoption Card
• Forgiveness – Abby’s Message to Adoptive Parents

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