So, you have the routine set up in a way that should work for your particular children and family. What do you do when your child resists the routine?? With over two-thirds of my children having an actual diagnosis of RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and/or ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), resistance is the norm at our house rather than the exception. Here are some ways we’ve handled this, at least as far as their resistance impacts their homework.

As discussed in the previous blog about routine, we have a very set structure and routine each afternoon. The mantra goes like this: “snack, chore, bedroom, homework” and the kids are expected to do their routine in that order. Many times, however, they just don’t.

What if a child refuses the routine altogether?

Perhaps he sits on a chair and refuses to start at all. First of all, realize that even though you are the parent, you can not actually MAKE a child do anything. He is in charge of his choices; you are only in charge of the consequences.

At our house, the routine is followed even when a child isn’t conscientiously participating. Within the routine, step one occurs before any of the other steps. If Jimmy refuses to start, I just let him know that I see that he is too tired (or too weak) to do the routine. It is okay if he needs to sit and rest for as long as he needs to until he is ready to work on his responsibilities. (A truly oppositional child will then stand up, just because you said it was okay if he sat. At this point, he must be too weak to even sit in the chair – so it is okay if he stands until he is ready to sit. Sitting must then occur before he can even move to step one of the routine from the point of standing.)

If a child never makes it past sitting during the whole afternoon, that’s his choice. In refusing to do the less exciting responsibilities, he also misses out on the more fun activities of the day. That is very sad. Let him know that you missed him during those times and hope that he is ready to join you tomorrow. Be patient and let this process take as long as Jimmy needs it to take. Some kids are done with the major resistance in one day. Some are not done for weeks. As frustrating as it is, be sure to let the child take the time he needs to be willing to perform his responsibilities from an intrinsic level (aka because he decides from his own internal motivators, not because you make him nor reward him extrinsically). It’s frustrating, but it’s also very worth it in the long run.

More sticky situations to be discussed in the next blog!

Read the first blog about homework issues: Homework Hassles.