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In my last post, Speaking Ill of Adopted Child’s Birthparents, I stated that there are some situations in which I believe it is helpful to an adopted child when the adoptive parents speak ill of an abusive birthparent. I believe that this is an important step toward helping an adopted child make peace with his abuse history. Another important step is for the child to understand that the abuse was always about the abuser and never about him.
I have been active for years on a message board for adult survivors of childhood abuse. One of the forums is specifically for abusers who are trying to break the cycle of abusing others. I have learned a lot by reading their stories, and I hope that you can take what I have learned to help your child understand why the abuse happened. Until your child understands that the abuse was not about anything he did, he will not be able to make peace with his history.
In most cases, abusers were abused themselves, so they have felt the same deep pain that abused children do because they were abused children. Rather than finding a less destructive way to deal with this very deep pain, they repeat what they learned themselves and use children’s bodies to offload their own pain and shame. After they abuse others, they temporarily feel better, but then they add more shame and self-loathing to their already painful feelings. They become more isolated because of the method they have chosen to deal with their pain.
People who abuse children are weak. They do not use the strength they used to survive the abuse to heal themselves. Instead, they turn to what they were taught and inflict the same pain onto others that was once inflicted on themselves. They feel more powerful by taking the abuser’s role because now they are no longer the victims.
The children that abusers harm are not abused because they are not smart enough, pretty enough, or good enough. The children are abused because they are there. Your adopted child had the misfortune of being born into an abusive household. There is nothing he could have said or done to prevent the abuse from happening because the abuse was never about him.
As I have grown to see my abusers not as monsters but as weak people, I have been able to let go of much of the hatred and bitterness. I have been able to see that their actions were about them and not about me. There are no shortcuts to reaching this place, but you can help your child to get there by talking with him about this until he is able to “hear” you. The truth is always more powerful than lies. As you continue to speak the truth with your child, he will (hopefully) eventually hear you.
Related Topics:
- Speaking Ill of Adopted Child’s Birthparent
- What if Your Adopted Child Really was “Unwanted”?
- Talking with “Unwanted” Adopted Child About Birthmother
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