Over my last couple of posts, Speaking Ill of Adopted Child’s Birthparents and Helping Adopted Child Understand Abusive Birthparents, I have shared some of the factors that helped me to make peace with my own abuse history. I am hoping that you, as adoptive parents, can use my experience to help guide your adopted child toward finding the same peace.

As an adult survivor of childhood abuse, I have had to work through the process of learning how to make peace with an abusive mother, as well as other abusers. By making peace, I am not talking about reconciliation: I am talking about finding a way to let go of the bitterness inside of yourself and reach a place where your abusive birthparent’s actions no longer have the power to hurt you.

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The first step is to acknowledge the abuse for what it was. It is common for abuse survivors to minimize the abuse, saying things like, “Yes, I was smothered by a pillow and almost died, but it really wasn’t that bad. Other people have suffered worse things.” You, as the adoptive parent, can facilitate this process by validating that the abuse really was that bad.

Tell the Child Repeatedly that that Abuse was Not His Fault

The next step is to accept that the abuse was not my fault. Believing they are responsible for the abuse they suffered is a way that abused children try to gain power in a situation in which they are powerless. If they have the power to cause the abuse, then they have the power to be good enough, smart enough, etc. to stop it. You need to tell your child repeatedly that the abuse was not his fault until he finally hears you.

Teach the Child How to Love Himself

Abuse survivors loathe themselves because they see themselves through their abusers’ eyes. It takes a very long time to learn how to love yourself when you have been abused, and a big first hurdle is even believing that there is anything in yourself worth loving. Help your child learn to love himself by encouraging him to do loving things for himself. Encourage him to participate in healthy activities that he enjoys. Help him to see the many things inside of himself that are worth loving.

Help the Child to See the Abuse for What it Was

See my post Helping Adopted Child Understand Abusive Birthparents for an explanation of an abuser’s frame of mind. Then, help your child to understand his abuser’s weaknesses and limitations. Most adoptive children see their abusers as monsters, but the truth is that their abusers were emotionally weak people who were simply bigger and had more power. As your child starts to see his abusers for what they were, he can stop putting energy into fearing their omnipotence and, instead, pity them for being the weak people they are.

Related Topics:

• Speaking Ill of Adopted Child’s Birthparents


• Helping Adopted Child Understand Abusive Birthparents



• What if Your Adopted Child Really was “Unwanted”?



• Talking with “Unwanted” Adopted Child About Birthmother

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