e-mail
Alright. Let’s talk about it. Let’s get it out in the open. In my experience, the most common and the most offensive stereotype about adoption is that adopted children grow up to be psychopathic killers. There. I said it. It (hacks) me off when I hear it and sometimes it is the uspoken sentiment behind less overt statements, but, it is there. There is even a website that is devoted entirely to listing the serial killers who were formally or informally adopted!
For those who don’t go to the extreme of stereotyping our children as being criminally predisposed, there are others that raise questions or fears about behavior problems, emotional disturbance, and psychiatric concerns based solely on the fact that the child is adopted. What’s up with that? Do we still live in an age where we believe such tripe? Evidently so.
Shortly after my daughters came home we took a short trip to a lovely place in Maryland, Rocky Gap Resort, that has become our number one destination for a slower pace of family fun. All of my children were playing and having a grand time with a bunch of other children on the man-made beach when I overheard several mothers discussing adoption. One woman expressed that she and her husband had begun to explore adoption as a way of adding to their family. I am certain that she must have regretted her decision to share that information because of what followed.
The other women in the group decended on their friend like a pack of wolves and began to dramatically share every horror story they had ever heard about adopting. Several of the women were extremely graphic about what was likely to go wrong with a child adopted from “one of those child welfare agencies.” At this point all of the women chimed in again to inform and educate their friend about “those kinds of kids.” I will not repeat their statements here. It still pains me to recall them.
The women concluded their conversation and resumed relaxing poolside with drinks in hand. With eyes comfortably shaded from the sun beneath diamond draped hands, they scanned the horizon periodically for their children; never knowing that they were happily digging in the sand, splashing in the water, and playing hide-and-go-seek with “those kinds of kids”, mine.
Ah, but here is where this post will take a dramatic turn. I’m not so ready to condemn the ignorant and ill-informed as I am ready to pull my hair out with the adoption experts. Or at least if not experts, then, the ones who are supposed to be in the know. Gasp! Look around. That would be US people.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think that any of us intentionally perpetuate the stereotype that adopted children are any more prone to problematic, disturbed, or unlawful behavior than other children. But, are we (and I include myself in this group) unintentionally doing that with the positions we take on some matters involving parenting adopted children? Are we sending a subtle message that, indeed, there is something to be concerned about, worried about, cautious about, when adopting a child?
My blog is on Adoptive Parenting. When I first started writing I raised the question as to whether some might find it odd to have a topic on adoptive parenting, believing that some might feel it is all just plain old parenting. However, I took the firm position that was not the case and that there are some aspects of adoptive parenting that are unique. Does that send a message that subtly supports the stereotype that adopted children are different–in a negative sense?
I also published a post called The Bad Seed, where I admitted to an instance or two of anxiously wondering about a behavior exhibited by one of my adopted children, yet, not experiencing the same anxiety when similar (or worse) behavior was exhibited by my biological child. I acknowledged feeling embarrassed about having those thoughts, even if only on rare occassions and for a fleeting moment. Although, I am committed to honest writing, I have to wonder if I am not promoting a stereotype when I write about such things.
Nancy and others here at Adoption Blogs write stunningly honest and insightful posts about Reactive Attachment Disorder and adopted children. Does the discussion of this reality perpetuate a stereotype? What is the answer? I don’t know. I know that we can’t stop having honest discussions in an effort to abolish stereotypes about adopted children. I guess all we can do is make sure we don’t limit the dialogue in such a way that information which contradicts the stereotypes becomes lost in the noise that crowds our heads.
This article is my small contribution for the day.
It pains me to think that anyone would assume that because I did not raise my child, that means that there was anything “wrong” with him or me. Or, that because I relinquished him had to mean that I had a disturbing dysfunctional history that would plague him. Neither was the case.
Fortunately for him, he did not grow up in an area with much of those types of prejudices and misconceptions.
As to whether we recognize that “growing up adopted” is any different from growing up in a bio family, I think we must recognize the differences. Adopted children do have some issues unique to their adoptive status. They need to be acknowledged and dealt with. When they are not, there can be problems that result from “pretending” or ignoring their different issues.
I was just wondering why you didn’t put your 2 cents worth into the conversation as the womans freinds badgered adopted chidren. Even though you were not”involed”in the conversation I’m sure you could have found a way to say’ Excuse, me I couldn’t help but over hear and I disagree…………” I think as adoptive parents it is our job to educate the uneducated and most definately support each other thru out the life time of adoption. Not to mention advocating for the children that have been placed, or need placement.
What if your chidren had over heard this conversation……..would you have still not interjected?
There are certain subjects that I feel so strongly about I can not, willnot be quite about Adoption and racism. I am not usually rude or loud but very quite and polite but these 2 things are too important to me and if my children are w/me.watch I will not let them hear negative comments about either subject to do so condones what the person is saying.
Thank you both for your comments. Sue, your questions are excellent ones. It has been a while ago but, I guess I was trying to choose my battles, pace myself so to speak. I knew I was in for the long haul with ignorance about adoption and this was not very long at all after we adopted the girls. So, yes, I just let this one slide. Being a black woman I’ve had a lot of practice doing that. I’ve learned early on that you just can’t fight every single battle, particularly when they are not directed at you personally. You’ll wear yourself out and have nothing left for the ones that really matter. At least that’s how I’ve chosen to run my life. Some things just are. People are entitled to their obnoxious opinions. They are entitled to voice them. And they are also entitled to privacy in their conversations.
I don’t know if I would have said anything to these women if my children had overheard them. I doubt it. I would have been sure to talk with my children about it though. We hear people say silly, stupid things all the time and then we talk about it later. So, I would have treated it that way.
Again, thanks so much for your comments and your questions. All thought provoking to be sure.