I have read with great interest the many posts here, and on the adoption forums, about the different aspects of reunions. I have not run across anything yet that offers suggestions on specific therapeutic steps parents can take to promote a positive reunion experience.

I have a protocol that I have used for years in supporting adoptive parents, who contact me with concerns about the when and the how of supporting their child's reunion efforts. Typically these calls come from the parents of teenaged children who have started to express an interest in meeting their mom or dad. Sometmes the expression of the desire is stated in positive terms. Sometimes a negative exchange has occurred between the child and his or her parents with the child demanding to meet the parents that gave him or her life.

If the call is the result of a heated exchange, the first thing I do is suggest that parents take a step back and let the emotions cool before proceeding with a decision and a plan for reunion. Once the reunion desire has been adequately explored among all the parties under calm circumstances I offer some very specific and concrete guidelines, of course, I emphasize to the family that these are merely guidelines.

Also, developmental considerations must be kept in mind at every stage of using the protocol. The adoptive parents must communicate to the child that if at any time it appears that the reunion efforts are causing more harm than good then the process will be temporarily suspended and picked up at a later date to be determined.

In my experience, the families that use this protocol are better able to support their child in managing whatever the ultimate outcome of his or her reunion experience. I think that is because each phase of the protocol allows for a great deal of mental and emotional processing of what reunion means for the child, his or her birth parents, and the child's adoptive family. Ultimately, I believe it is successful because it is a planned approach.

I've talked with many families who were prepared to search and find their child's parents but then had no idea of what they would do afterwards. The typical response has been along the lines of, "I thought we'd just see how it went and take it from there." I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with this and it can and has worked for many families. However, I want to promote a more structured approach to reunion.

Please note. What follows is a truncated description of the process I promote. There are many details that simply cannot be addressed due to the limitations of space. I am offering this information as a general model.

If your child's birth parents have been located and have expressed a desire to meet I would first suggest an exchange of letters. Ask the agency that worked with you during the adoption process to support you in the reunion effort. I don't suggest mailing letters directly to one another's homes for privacy reasons. However, I also don't advocate using a PO Box because it implies a level of sterility and distance that can erect an odd psychological barrier to successful reunion if there is the potential for success. Initial letters should be exchanged through the attorney or social worker at the agency.

Have your child send a card, a note, or a letter with your support to your intermediary. The operative term here is support not intrusion. I suggest that the first written contact be a short introduction, a basic statement of the desire to get to know one another and a request for a response. There is a tendency to encourage the child to emote all over the place. Or, if your adolescent teenager is seeking the reunion then he or she may feel the need to express a torrent of emotions. This is usually driven by an intense need to hurry the reunion process. To add water and stir. Reunion is something that cannot be, and should not be rushed. Just like adoption, reunion is a journey. So send the card, note, or letter. Ask for a response. Then go on with that most important journey of all,life.

Yes, your child may go through the angst of dashing to the mailbox every day to see if a letter has come yet. Good. Yes, there will be disappointments. Great. This is the perfect opportunity to start talking about the potential that the entire process could result in a huge disappointment. The point is not to encourage your child to abandon his or her efforts but to discuss the realities of the experience in a supportive and nurturing way.

One day the much awaited letter may finally arrive. Fantastic! Houston, we have contact. I suggest you read the communication together and talk about what it may mean. If there is anytyhing in the letter that concerns you then express your concern in a matter-of-fact drama-free way. Again, you and/or your child may experience an intense desire to rush things along. Don't. Written exchanges could go on for months and months before the next phase: exchange of audiotapes. I'll write about this tomorrow.