Many people think of discipline as only using the negative tools, such as spankings or time outs. I have found that positive discipline tools can be very effective for teaching or changing some behaviors. I try to start with using positive discipline tools for teaching or changing any behavior that does not have the potential to cause personal or property damage.

Positive discipline tools can help build a child's self-esteem, which is particularly important for the adopted child who was sent the message that he was "worthless" before joining your home. Abused children might have been given this message directly, while children who were neglected in their birth homes might have received this message indirectly by being ignored. Lots of "atta boys" can do wonders to help build a child's self-confidence.

I have effectively taught my son manners by using a rewards system. I keep a jar on the kitchen counter next to a large container filled with wooden beads. Each time I catch my son doing something right, he gets to put a bead in the jar. He gets one bead for saying please, thank you, or excuse me. If he does something nice for another child, he will get one or more beads, depending upon what he did. For example, if he allows another child to take a turn in front of him, I might give him one bead. If he sees another child crying and gives the child a hug, I might give him three beads. Any behavior that I really want to focus upon gets multiple beads until the behavior becomes second nature.

When the bead jar is full, my son earns either $5 or a family ice cream party to celebrate. (I came up with the $5 option because it is actually cheaper than buying ice cream for three.) My son alternates between taking the money or having the party. As the bead jar starts to get full, he really focuses on his manners, which ingrains being polite into his psyche.

People frequently tell me that my son is one of the most polite children they have ever met. He rarely forgets to say thank you when a parent is distributing goodies to a group of children, even if the other children forget. I have never punished him to achieve this result – it came about through positive discipline.

Parents are often guilty of criticizing their children to death. While this is not a good thing in any parent-child relationship, it has the potential for being even more damaging when an adopted child is in the process of trying to bond with his adoptive parents. I have found that catching my son doing something good is much more effective than catching him doing something bad. I make an effort to notice the good things that he does and praise him for them. In this way, he builds his self-esteem, and he wants to do more good things because he gets positive attention for it.

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